Saturday, December 7, 2013

The Interview ~ Continued

He Leads Me

Psalms 23: “The Lord is my Shepherd. I will have everything I need. 2 He lets me rest in fields of green grass. He leads me beside the quiet waters. 3 He makes me strong again. He leads me in the way of living right with Himself which brings honor to His name. 4 Yes, even if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not be afraid of anything, because You are with me. You have a walking stick with which to guide and one with which to help. These comfort me. 5 You are making a table of food ready for me in front of those who hate me. You have poured oil on my head. I have everything I need. 6 For sure, You will give me goodness and loving-kindness all the days of my life. Then I will live with You in Your house forever.”

As I flip through the pages and pages of my journal, I come here and feel I have nothing to say...

Wednesday a week ago, I was given permission to drive again after a few days of driving with someone. It was not what I had hoped, but maybe expected, praying all along the way, fighting fear and giving it all I had to stay focused. I was able, but it had been so long since I was behind the wheel.

I was also told I could be on the computer for 30 minutes at a time. That night I attempted that task. While I had been without my computer, a drink was spilled on it. So I began on an i-pad, foreign to me, with no passwords, and my fingers not fitting the keyboard. It was very slow and time slipped away.

My feelings then were something like a seven year old boy jingling a little change--a few pennies--in his pocket as he walks along a gravel road, kicking chosen rocks in from of him. Then he decides to save one in his pocket, adding to his collection. This is only a picture of the shambles I feel my life has been in during this time.

I couldn't read or concentrate that night. There was no way to write, plus, as I mentioned before, no words would come. I know I cannot hold my life together any longer, nor the people in it. Sometimes for change to take place, you have to let everything fall apart. I have tried to build my life, but in vain. Am I willing to trust God to lead me? Do I have the patience and strength to follow Him even now?

Just the first step is needed in a long walk down a gravel road. I fight the feeling that hope is deferred and choose life. As I have walked along the road, I stopped and looked behind me. The road I have walked has been in a dark valley, dusty, and hard. Just over a a hill in front of me, the road forks. The one to the left, the familiar one, dark and dusty and hard. The one to the right, the gravel is laid into a black-top road. It is smooth, curving beyond a mountain with a breath-taking view.

Somewhere along the way, I have chosen to take the road to the right. I have been on a path detour to life, but this is the way to my destination. I just have to get beyond the hill and on to the right road.

Please continue to pray for me. I can't go back and I can't continue in the wrong direction. Even though the hill will be hard to climb, I have the view in sight. It is a bit scary, curved into the mountain, but I know it is the way. The fork to the left goes straight up in the middle of fallen trees and seems to dead end. I know I cannot continue on that path.