Monday, December 9, 2013

The End of the Interview ~

When pondering the past and wanting to learn from it I am gaining new insights.  Things I even struggle with today began to form as far back as I can remember.  Thinking life was about being perfect because of a need to please people.  My friend, Rose Marie Miller, said that it is odd how imperfect people try so hard to be perfect because we have the righteousness of Christ.

This unquenchable thirst for approval continued in my first 20 years of marriage.  Then as I saw how very hard I had tried during those years to be the perfect wife and mother, and that I had failed, I had my first psychotic break. 

For the next, almost 20 years, I gave up trying.  I minimized my world most of the time to satisfy the illusion that I was still perfect and in control.  You cannot fail what you don't try was my rationale,  I guess.  Isolation, depression and my own illusions were the world I lived in the majority of those last 20 years except for this last year.

I began to get a vision for who I really was to God (being in Christ).  Of the love of the Father in sending His Son to rescue me from myself and evil.  I saw grace in the face of Jesus in a new way.  I began to live as I never had before.  I did not want to go back to the trying harder or the giving up.

Three months ago in writing my story I broke again.  I am just now coming out of that and entering life again.  These past few months I have been removed from my comforts of home, isolation, all electronics, reading, church, driving, and my friends during the first part of recovery.  I did have my family and the presence of God.  I was determined not to feel deprived but to love being with my family and grow in other areas.  I thought of it like a man with a broken left leg.  His right leg gets stronger.  My plan was, when I was allowed to have these restrictions back, I would have a broader life.  I focused on my grandson, daughters, being creative, and I began a new therapy which teaches you how to be more mindful of life, circumstances and people.  I am almost completely reintegrated now.

During the time I stayed with my daughter and grandson, she at first, had to give me 24 hour attention to keep me out of the hospital because my delusions and illusions were all consuming.  This was three moths ago.

A few days ago my daughter and I had an argument.  By the very one who had done so much for me, I was finding my feelings being hurt.  It is hard to have someone in your home all the time no matter how much you love them.  I ended up thanking her again for all she had done and asking her forgiveness for being accusatory and condemning.  For handling things all wrong.

Last night I made a post. It started out good but the more I wrote the more confused the post got, and I got.  I had sent and edited it several times. I felt like I had handled God's Word carelessly. I finally erased it all and wrote a few short lines.  The End of the Interview ~

When pondering the past and wanting to learn from it I am gaining new insights.  Things I even struggle with today began to form as far back as I can remember.  Thinking life was about being perfect because of a need to please people.  My friend, Rose Marie Miller, said that it is odd how imperfect people try so hard to be perfect.  Because the Lord is already pleased with us.

This unquenchable thirst for approval continued in my first 20 years of marriage.  Then as I saw how very hard I had tried during those years to be the perfect wife and mother, and that I had failed, I had my first psychotic break. 

For the next, almost 20 years, I gave up trying.  I minimized my world most of the time to satisfy the illusion that I was still perfect and in control.  You cannot fail what you don't try was my rationale,  I guess.  Isolation, depression and my own illusions were the world I lived in the majority of those last 20 years except for this last year.

I began to get a vision for who I really was to God (being in Christ).  Of the love of the Father in sending His Son to rescue me from myself and evil.  I saw grace in the face of Jesus in a new way.  I began to live as I never had before.  I did not want to go back to the trying harder or the giving up.

Three months ago in writing my story I broke again.  I am just now coming out of that and entering life again.  These past few months I have been removed from my comforts of home, isolation, all electronics, reading, church, driving, and my friends during the first part of recovery.  I did have my family and the presence of God.  I was determined not to feel deprived but to love being with my family and grow in other areas.  I thought of it like a man with a broken left leg.  His right leg gets stronger.  My plan was, when I was allowed to have these restrictions back, I would have a broader life.  I focused on my grandson, daughters, being creative, and I began a new therapy which teaches you how to be more mindful of life, circumstances and people.  I am almost completely reintegrated now.

During the time I stayed with my daughter and grandson, she at first, had to give me 24 hour attention to keep me out of the hospital because my delusions and illusions were all consuming.  This was three moths ago.

A few days ago my daughter and I had an argument.  By the very one who had done so much for me, I was finding my feelings being hurt.  It is hard to have someone in your home all the time no matter how much you love them.  I ended up thanking her again for all she had done and asking her forgiveness for being accusatory and condemning.  For handling things all wrong.

Last night I made a post. It started out good but the more I wrote, the more confused the post got, and I got.  I had sent and edited it several times.  I finally erased it all and wrote a few short lines.  It is a huge responsibility having  others read what you write, and I felt like I had handled God's Word carelessly.  I am trying to learn my limits.

Totally frustrated I came and sat down on the sofa, looked at a cross in the window pane and began to cry.  With tears streaming down my face, I said, "Lord I can't do this.  I want to crawl in a hole and hide.  I want to quit.  I don't want to do this.  It is too hard."  The only prayer I could pray was: "Lord, help, help, help.

I called my friend Brenda.  She talked to me about God's love for me and pleasure in me.  About performance, perfectionism, and pleasing people. That I was not a failure.  God saw me as perfect already.  Things I knew but needed so to hear again.  We have to make the gospel relevant in our day-to-day life.

I read an article by Rick Thomas about whether we are problem or grace centered.  How we are to be others focused and what the Spirit is teaching us, guiding us, and so much more, through our problems. Praying again, "Lord I don't know what you are teaching me here."  I knew the things I had mentioned but knew there was something more.  Something life changing and different.  The Spirit said to me, "I am teaching you how to live."

This love and conviction of the Spirit led me to repentance.  Lord please let me get off the throne of my life.  Repentance is looking into the eyes and face of grace and love, of God Himself.  Somehow I knew Satan would love to keep me in a defeated state of mind for the next 20 years (if I have that).  I saw God's faithfulness in not letting me stay there.  In not letting me go.  In not leaving me.  But I even saw His mercy in it all  He has set out to rescue me from me, and He has never given up.

The second Advent is Peace.  Peace has always been my idol.  My sin of perfectionism is one of the things that can rob me of my peace.  Perfect Peace is not in the absence of trouble, problems or conflict, even sickness.  But perfect Peace is the presence of Peace Himself in our hearts and minds.  I can live because Life Himself lives in me.

I am keenly aware that this battle for isolation when I fail and get tired may not be over, but I know the way to struggle to rest.  It is through trust.  Through the gospel. Even when I gave up, He did not give up on me.  He chased me down a long, lonely, isolated road to Calvary.  He came so He could die for me.  So I might have life.  All I have the words to say is "Thank you Jesus, Father and Spirit.  I love You."  I am trying to learn my limits.

Totally frustrated I came and sat down on the sofa, looked at a cross in the window pane and began to cry.  With tears streaming down my face, I said, "Lord I can't do this.  I want to crawl in a hole and hide.  I want to quit.  I don't want to do this.  It is too hard."  The only prayer I could pray was: "Lord, help, help, help.

I called my friend Brenda.  She talked to me about God's love for me and pleasure in me.  About performance, perfectionism, and pleasing people. That I was not a failure.  God saw me as perfect already.  Things I knew but needed so to hear again.  We have to make the gospel relevant in our day-to-day life.

I read an article by Rick Thomas about whether we are problem or grace centered.  How we are to be others-focused and what the Spirit is teaching us, guiding us, and so much more, through our problems. Praying again, "Lord I don't know what you are teaching me here."  I knew the two things, with my daughter and the post, but I also knew there was something else. The Spirit said to me, "I am teaching you how to live."

This love and conviction of the Spirit led me to repentance.  Repentance is looking into the eyes and face of grace and love, of God Himself.  Somehow I knew Satan would love to keep me in a defeated state of mind for the next 20 years (if I have that).  I saw God's faithfulness in not letting me stay there.  In not letting me go.  In not leaving me.  But I even saw His mercy in it all  He has set out to rescue me from me, and He has never given up.

The second Advent is Peace.  Peace has always been my idol.  My sin of perfectionism is one of the things that can rob me of my peace.  Perfect Peace is not in the absence of trouble, problems or conflict, even sickness.  But perfect Peace is the presence of Peace Himself in our hearts and minds.  I can live because Life Himself lives in me.

I am keenly aware that this battle for isolation when I fail and get tired may not be over, but I know the way to struggle to rest.  It is through trust.  Through the gospel. Even when I gave up, He did not give up on me.  He chased me down a long, lonely, isolated road to Calvary.  He came so He could die for me.  So I might have life.  All I have the words to say is "Thank you Jesus, Father and Spirit.  I love You."