Our greatest desire can be directly linked to our greatest fear. The desire to be fully known and unconditionally loved. Man shares the fear of being rejected by God and others. We want to think we are better than we are. We want Gods glory. We think man and his approval can make us happy and whole. Others love was not intended to meet our deepest need but to be enjoyed. We fear being alone. The bible calls this the fear of man. We are to be in awe of the love, acceptance, grace and mercy...the very holiness of God. The bible says we are to fear God. Not man or any spiritual forces can separate us from His love. This is a fear of being amazed and captivated by the great beauty and power of God. Not a fear of guilt, shame and condemnation. These things were taken care of by Jesus on the cross.
I have dealt with the pain of thinking if God really knew me He might change His mind about me. That I might not receive the love and blessings of God now and eternally. This was part of the sickness. Christ suffered for my sin and to bring me to a beautiful relationship of honesty and faith in God. An assurance that He is with me even if it isn't as I had thought. This is faith.
It has been called a dance with God, Father, Son and Spirit. My suffering is real. God hates my suffering and cries many tears with us when we do. It produces many things in us the God loves. Both of these things are what we are promised. It is to know Jesus more fully through suffering and we will. The very life and death of Jesus is mine. His resurrection is also mine. His surrender, love and power is mine. This realization did not come easy but from God, His word, others and the precious Holy Spirit. He can use anything, even my psychosis to work His good pleasure in our hearts.
I have not fully come to the trust I strive for in Christ. This has been at the root of a lot of my pain and struggles. I wanted to be better than I really am. I saw my selfishness throughout my life. It is not putting myself down but loosing myself to be hidden in Him. It is about Jesus
I thought I had to be good to earn the love of others and by God. I wanted to do the right thing. This is the battle Paul fought. He was so oppressed by this thinking and warfare that he actually wanted to die. He came to know he was nothing. He knew nothing but Christ and Him crucified. The least of all sinners even. He counted his good works as rubbish. He strived to rest in what was already true about him and God. God in His mercy even gave Paul a thorn in the flesh to help with his pride of thinking about himself. We all are born selfish and thinking we know what is right. This has to die. Gods ways are not ours.
I have come to see that doing the right thing. Making the right sacrifices. Having the right theology. Doing a great ministry cannot produce a broken and contrite heart. If I do these things without love it is of no value.
I hate my mental illness. God hates it too. The way God has used it to bring me into this beautiful knowledge and experience of His wonder for me. Christ is in me the hope of glory. It is what Paul calls the great mystery. It is the battle we strive to rest in. The war has already been won. The work has already been done. We can relax, enjoy and delight in who we are as a child of the King. It is Christ in me, the hope of glory. The very Spirit of Jesus dwells in me. I am totally righteous with His perfect life given in my place. God does not see anything wrong with us when He gazes upon me but the precious finished work of His Son. I am already redeemed. I am already seated with Him in the heavens. Secure, loved no matter what I may fear. He who began a good work in us with complete it. We are to hold fast and firm to the faith that it is He who works in us to give us the strength, will to do His good pleasure.
So I need to die daily of any thinking I can earn anything from God. It is all of grace. The flesh in us wants to be strong, capable, have our own way, even be a good person for God. We want to earn grace and are fearful because we just can't. We are given precious gifts by God. We cannot earn these gifts. We can ask the Spirit for these gifts. He delights to give us the precious gifts of the Spirit, love, joy, peace, patience and kindness and gentleness and so much more. He has given us the precious Spirit and He is our seal. We have all we need. Our good, good Father knows what we need. He has given us the perfect gift.
Jesus is living in me. He is holding on to my heart. My broken and contrite heart is part of His plan for me and for the joy of the eternity of His Kingdom. I see my self-centeredness in all I do. We never have pure motives in this life. We are righteous and loved. We are in Him and Him in us by the Spirit. This is what Christ died for to live through us. It is all to the majesty and glorious riches of Christ my King. It is Him and His love that shines through my brokenness. I am but a vessel for the glory of God and His Sons righteousness. I cannot mess up His glory. He has promised to be my King and I am Gods child in spite of me and my selfish ambitions or pride.
We are beautiful. We are His. His work in us is so much more grand as He lavishes HIs love on us through the work of the SPIRT! From us to others. It is LOVE. It is GRACE. It is HIS GLORY!
We have a glorious and extravagant SAVIOR! JESUS!
God does not see our sin when He looks at us but the perfect holiness of God. We are growing in love and selflessness throughout our lives. It is the precious life of Jesus!
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