I began the first of the year by leaving my heavenly Father to find out who I really am. My thoughts were much like the Prodigal son but it seemed so innocent. I said I will be back Father. I packed up my all the beautiful assurances He had given me in Jesus. I hoped to use my creative gifts what ever they might have been just to enjoy God. I thought I was just looking for things like what is my style, what kind of clothes do I like and the hair style I might feel comfortable with. Grey, died, short or long.
Little did I know this was a prophecy. These things I packed up was what I needed to deal with the year that was before me. I was even vague in my true spiritual identity which is who I am in Christ.
This year seems so long and difficult and then I remember the joyous times through it all. There were days I wondered can God even use me. One of the things I have hated about my struggles was not having the strength I thought I needed to serve others and God. I saw that one thing I could do with no energy was to pray. Many times on my knees beside my bed and then continuing as I laid in my bed.
Last night with the same struggles I laid on my bed and as I turned over I saw through the windows my Christmas tree. It was such a gift and encouragement to me as the lights twinkled before me. I wondered will there be Christmas trees in heaven.
I have hated being pulled to sleep so much and not having strength I thought I needed to do what I thought made a good day. I would pray Lord give me the heart and the strength to do your good will. There is so much to making life a good day. Just to enjoy God and others begins it for me.
God is an extravagant giver as He gave us Jesus.
His Son.
In the midst of this year God has loved me even in tangible ways through it all. How can someone like me be a good gift to Jesus. It is Christ that makes us worthy.
One thing that came to me is God angry at me. I realized He does discipline us but it is more like giving us ways to live, be freed and imitate Jesus love to others for Gods family. I once heard God never says no unless He gives us better. My mind might be hearing a lie and low and behold God would bless me. Gods blessings is not earned but is a gift.
During this time of psychosis I thought this is just a dream or a nightmare. What I have come to know is we are but little children looking to our wonderful Heavenly Father to meet our needs in ways we never imagined. Through this time I saw how God is with and for us even in the midst of the lies we may hear and the struggles of living in a fallen world with sinner Saints like me. Realizing this family love of God has brought me to a new realization of love and accepting discipline, or training, is what true love is. No one knows and loves us more that God, our Heavenly Father, Jesus and Spirit. We are beautiful gifts to Jesus and Jesus to us, even if all we see is His grace, that defines us, carries us and sustains us.
This past weekend I drug myself through a wonderful time with my daughter and other family members. As we drove through the beautiful mountains to the display of Ginger Bread Houses. There was an amazing rainbow all across the sky. Seeing Gods love displayed in ways that I never thought was possible.
GOD IS GOOD EVEN IN DIFFICULT TIMES...
I was like a little lamb that found my safety near my good Shepard. My confidence was in Jesus finding me. Friends and family surrounded me with love, prayers and serving me in ways that was beyond anything I have ever known. This year has taken me further than my faith could go...In many ways I feel like God is strengthening my faith.
As I fought to just feel safe in the midst of all this I realized it was at the foot of the cross. What kind of radical love which is Jesus... By the still waters. Underneath my Gods wings. In the cliff of the rock. I cried out over and over for the truth of this love to give me a deep assurance as I prayed daily for Christ mind, His strength, His broken heart and love. The Spirit helped me in ways I could have never made it through it all. It has been a beautiful deliverance when I look at others and Jesus, Father and Spirit in spite of how difficult I have been to love. Seeing Gods love and His grace has been magical.
I have come to see that we all are alike. We all need each other to encourage and speak truth to us. To be Gods love for us. Christ gave His love for us in sacrifice. He did not come as we expected but as a shepherd boy, riding on a donkey and in a manger. He is the one who is humble and victorious in heart. He is mighty to save. He is a warrior who fights for me.
May we cling to one another and Jesus and know this battle we are all in is not some easy Hallmark story. It is real, it is painful and it can be joyful...Merry Christmas everyone. May we see Jesus in even more glorious, powerful and wonderful ways this holiday season...and shout it from the rooftops..
Just for memory sake a few pictures from Christmas at Ford Farms...
From our house to yours Merry Christmas
