The Bride of Christ

Today is my anniversary. I have been married for 44 years. That is almost two life times lol. As I sit here I want you to know I love and respect my husband more than I ever have in our entire life. He is the one God meant for me to spend my whole life with. There are some other things I want to tell you.

It has not been easy. If it hadn't been for God's grace and our commitment to each other we would have ended our marriage many times. Just by Gods grace, when I would struggle he wouldn't and when he would struggle I wouldn't. God has used us in each others lives to teach us what true love really is. To make us more like Jesus and more dependent on Him. Yes through our struggles to love each other, selflessly. I think we are just getting the hang of it. 
The gospel in our lives, in our marriage.  I had to know Jesus as my husband of my soul in order to be a good wife to Danny.  I had to receive the love of Jesus for me unconditionally.  I had to know who I was in Christ and that defined me.  I had to know His acceptance and forgiveness.  I had to know His love, His sacrifice.  I had to remember I put Jesus on the cross but that He died for me because of the love of the Father, Son and Spirit.

The other day I had been gone all day. I came in and Danny was upset. I didn't know why and before I could get upset at him being upset lol. I thought...what is wrong? What is he feeling? I thought of Jesus love for me and Him dying for me on the cross, a sinner. That I am precious to Him and now I can love my husband. It came to me...is the reason you are so upset you were worried about me? He said worried? I couldn't get you all day...yes I was worried. Even though I had tried to get him also, I was sorry I had worried him. I thought how sweet for him to worry about me.

Grace is for the humble. When we humble ourselves before others they can see their own sin. If I had sinned against my husband he would have felt justified and there would have been a big fight instead of a good conversation.   

Marriage is suppose to be a picture of Christ and the church, us His bride. But sin has entered in and there are troubled marriages and divorce. This is a very hard, painful place for all concerned in the family. But Jesus says there is hope. There is new beginnings for those in marriages and those who are divorced. Marriage is suppose to be until death do us part but because of sin that is not how it always is. But God can and does restore and bring healing and forgiveness. He brings life out of dead relationships through the gospel. There is never anything done to us as great as what we did to Jesus in crucifying him. 

This does not mean we are to be in abusive relationships or be a doormat. If this is your case bring in help. Someone in your church, a counselor, another couple who has struggled but now have hope and newness in relationship. I am praying for you now. 

Eve was brought out of the side of Adam. She was to be his helpmate. We think we marry someone like us but the truth is we marry someone who is unlike us and together we are one. We cannot change another person but we can change. When we see the love of Christ for us. We love in new and abandoning ways. Being right is no longer the most important thing to us but understanding the other person and restoring the relationship. Those who are forgiven much love much. When you know how much you are forgiven you can forgive. Then confront your hurt or disappointment and work toward reconciliation.

I have not given you all the answers here by any means. This is just some things I have learned over the years. The most important thing is no matter where you are or what is going on I want to give you hope. God has allowed you to be in this place for a purpose. He promises to use it all for good.  Again if you are troubled, do not go it alone. There is wisdom in several counselors of wise christian people. When we seek to be Jesus to someone and love as He has loved us a whole new world is opened up to us. Our significance is not found in another person but in Him. Our identity is not in the approval of another person but in Jesus, so now we can be loving to them. These are complicated at times but something a good christian friend can help you work through.

So blessing my dear friends....no matter where you are or what you are going through you are not alone so don't go it alone. We all need each other in our lives. We are the body of Christ.

Our Best Kept Secrets

Psalms 147:3  He heals the brokenhearted, and binds their wounds

Many of you have read how I just had a psychotic relapse about 5 months ago.  It took me by surprise because I had such a great year last year.  I could not imagine that I could be so sick so fast.  For those of you who have not read, Danny was given an honor by Clemson, the Ring of Honor.  Our friend, Paul Brown, a reporter,  called me a few days later and ask me if he could do an interview with me for a radio program he does.  I love Paul and knew it would be a safe place to start doing things like interviews again.  I thought it would be fun.

We talked for about two hours, two radio programs.  Then, in the days to come, I began thinking of more things I had not thought of in years.  I began writing here the Interview.  I relapsed and I hit bottom hard and fast.  I have just now realized why.  I went yesterday to have a birthday lunch with my two friends, Martha and Sheila, and I decided to share my story with them. There was something that had bothered me over the years but yet I never had spoken of them fully to anyone.  I knew yesterday now is the time.  This must come out in the open.  I must reveal my secrets to someone safe, who loved me.  This is why I got sick, writing about this and I knew I have to deal with it to be free.  I began...

When I was pregnant with our first child we were living in Tuscaloosa and Danny had finished his masters degree.  He was looking for a job so I decided to go live with mother and daddy so I could get with a doctor and stay with him until the delivery of the baby.  Coach Bryant told Danny about two weeks before the baby was due that there needed to be some recruiting around Gadsden, where we were from.  Since my going to moms, Coach Bryant offered Danny a job and he would be doing recruiting and over the offensive line, but I decided to stay with mom and my doctor.  There really was no recruiting that needed to be done.  Coach Bryant just wanted Danny to be able to be with me.  (Since then I was able to share this with Mrs. Bryant after coaches death).

I remember Danny going recruiting that morning and mom and dad off to work.  I thought, this baby needs to hurry along.  I did a lot of walking and some exercises I thought might hurry the baby along.    From that time on the baby was very active.  Then there was no movement.  The next morning I had some symptoms that made my mom suspicious and she took me immediately to the doctor.  The doctor said the baby was still born and we would need to induce labor.  I ask him if I needed to carry the baby longer to ensure we could have another child.  He said no.  The baby was born dead weighing 8'10oz.  A otherwise healthy brunette baby boy.  I shared what I had done and the doctor reassured it was not possible I had harmed the baby.

As I shared this with my friends, my friend said, Lee our son, was also born with the cord around his neck several times.  Without monitoring we might have lost Lee.  My friend said her doctor told her to do such exercises.  The first boy had a membrane tied in a knot around the cord.  The movement was the struggle in his death.  My friend said this was inherited.  I said Sheila, "I know you are trying to reassure me but I know I caused the death of my child and I must be forgiven".  Both my friends loved me and listened patiently as I bore my guilt and shame.  But I knew where I had to go and what I needed to do to be free.  For me it was the "Potters Place".  This was my next step to freedom.

One of the cabins at the Potter's Place

I shared with my friends I had visited a place nearby called the Potters Place and they had a grieving pool.  That I was going to visit there and I was going to let go.  As I drove up, Gods owners of the Potter House, had driven up.  Don got out of the car and said,  "what timing".  I said did you have to go somewhere.  He said to get the stone and the paint.  I began to sob and Don just held me and let me cry.

I had not named our first child.  Danny and I wanted to name him Jr. and when he was born we decided we may have another son and we wanted his name to be after Danny.  I could not just stick a name on him so we didn't name him.  His marker is baby boy Ford.  When I wrote about it a few months ago I gave our son a name.  I named him my madden name "Anderson".  I decided everybody needed the dignity of a name.  Our child had gone 46 years in heaven without a name and I was going to name him.  It was not recommended I go to the funeral because of my health so now was to be my time with Anderson and the Lord.

Our child was given a name with dignity

I fell into Dons arms and wept.  He held me and said we weep with you.  I got into the car and Shannon also hugged and wept with me.  I wrote Anderson's name on the rock and we headed for the grieving pool.  She said, "decide where you would like to place the rock, Anderson".  There were other rocks there of women's babies who had been aborted.  I had no idea today is the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade where over 56 million babies have been aborted since.  I placed the rock and Shannon prayed with me.  I ask for forgiveness and we cried.

It was a good cry.  I had been healed.  Anderson had received his name in heaven and I was forgiven, as I had already been.  The shame was gone and I was whole.  This secret that had haunted me for 46 years was put to death.

"Even when trouble stops our ears and clouds our vision, He goes on working in secret and perhaps years later reveals what we had not faith to lay hold of."  Elizabeth Elliot

I don't know what your shame or loss has been but I want to invite you, if you have no place to go, to come to the grieving pool at the Potters House with me, I will take you there right here, right now.  If you had an abortion or feel responsible for the death of your child or someone, maybe someone you didn't get to ask for forgiveness before they died.  I don't know your particular situation but God knows.  Share it with a friend.  Shame loves secrets.  Satan loves secrets.  Jesus is the light.  Where there is light there cannot be darkness.  Jesus forgives us and bore our shame.  We are to live in light and love and freedom and peace and joy no matter what our circumstances.  Did you know you can have joy and grieve?  It is because we know our King has come and He is in control and He loves us more that this heart of mine or yours can comprehend.  Yes more than we love our own child or loved one.  It is an amazing love.  Come out into the open to a life of freedom and honesty with me.  I am praying for you now.   May the forgiveness and peace of Christ be with you my friend.  It is an amazing place to be in the presence and love and forgiveness and provision of our Savior.  Let Him heal your broken heart now.

The grieving pool...

Down stream and a sitting area...

I also let go of my mom...

Don't forget where you have come from...

Don't forget where you have come from...

Ro8:21 It was for freedom that Christ has set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.

People use to say to my husband, you never forgot where you came from. My husband could talk to the President of the United States or the young boy with a handicap. It made no difference to him who you were, you were valuable.

I was raised in Alabama. I can't help but think back to some of my childhood days on this Martin Luther King day. Movies like The Help are not something I enjoy watching because it brings back horrible memories of the past.  Memories I have tried to forget but in days like today it burst through my memory like yesterday.  I even wept as I shared these days with my future daughter and law.

Yes just like yesterday I remember when the soda fountain was closed in our local drug store. I remember the blacks having to sit in the back of the school bus as they were escorted on the bus and moved into the white schools. There was an air of fear around during those days. Not of my friends moving into my school but of the crosses being burned in yards and churches being burned down, men being hanged. We didn't talk about it much in our home but I remember the news on our black and white television set.

Women have gone through such freedom. Jesus talked to the Samaritan woman at the well. He told her He knew all about her and that He was the living water she longed for. This was not something done in those days. Since then women have gained respect and freedom to vote, serve office and work. I remember when we began to wear pants as dress clothes, like it would give us more freedom. We even have had a hard time finding out role in this world as a woman because of the independence we have gained.

I think of the war between the North and the South where blacks were set free. I once heard a story that even though blacks were set free many slaves did not leave the homes that had them as slaves because they did not know how to live in freedom.

I have had such struggle as Jesus has set me free. He has moved me out of many addictions, comfort zones that were enslaving, unhealthy relating to people such as manipulation and control. Maybe through withdrawing myself in disapproval. Getting mad when things didn't go my way.

To be free can be a scary thing. You can go through many struggles as you learn what it means to live in freedom. To live by faith is to learn to be led by the Spirit. Not the voices of this world or the flesh or the evil one but by God. It can be a scary thing because you not only may, but will fail. Then what? It is an illusion that to stay in your comfort and the world, that you keep making smaller and smaller so you can control, is happiness.

When I am tempted to draw back into my slavery, to my trying to be good enough and live under a list of rules and in my comfort zones where I think I will feel safe, to people pleasing, I have to remember where I have come from. Where God has brought me from. That life is worth living and people are worth loving and it is worth the risk of failure and even rejection, because our God is in control. He promises to use it all for good. What an amazing promise. Even when we blow it God brings good out of it, even our sin. So how can we not throw ourselves to the wind and live the life we were meant to live. The life Christ died for, for us to be free. So do not return to a life of slavery but live. It is for freedom we have been set free.

I once told someone I love, who is in prison, you know more freedom that we all do on the outside. Freedom begins in the heart and moves out. Freedom has always had a high cost to pay. Jesus gave it all for our freedom. Don't go back to a yoke of slavery. You are valuable. So much so He gave His life. So live and laugh and cry and sing and rejoice and love and worship and be free for the King has come and He sings and delights over you.  He loves you with an everlasting, faithful, uniquely designed love just for you.  We need to remember the price paid by others for our freedom.  We need to remember the price Christ paid and where we have come from.  We need to remember the cross and to be left in a state of worship of Him now and forever more.

What is Life All About?

Have you ever wondered, "What is life all about and why am I here".  My friend use to ask me this all the time.  "I just don't know what I am doing here," she would say.  We are told we will be known by the way we love one another.  That loving God and loving others sums up the whole law.  I knew the words to the song but I had not begun to hear the music or experience the dance.

It was about supper time. The kids were at the kitchen table doing their homework. My dad had come to visit. Either he wanted to come see us or mom needed him to get away. lol He had been diagnosed years earlier with schizophrenia and I know how difficult that can be for the family to deal with. Lee was on my hip and I was preparing dinner, multitasking to say the least.

The phone rang. It was Danny. He wouldn't be home for dinner again. That time of the year I guess. The back door rang and the kids took off running and hitting each other into the wall. One began to cry. As I went to the door and told them Danny was not home, I took the kids back to the table. The supper was now beginning to burn. I served them all as quickly as I could. Dad looked at me and said "Debs, this is the best time of your life". My dad could aways see straight threw me.  I knew he was right. What was wrong with me.

I went into the bedroom, shut the door, began nursing Lee and began to sob. I knew my dad was right. This should be the best time of my life and it wasn't. I vowed then to find out why I was so miserable. Life from the outside seemed so good. What was life all about anyway?  We had all anyone could want. A beautiful home, with swimming pool, dealer cars. Lee had been diagnosed with seizures earlier and he seemed fine but something was bad wrong. Something getting my outside life in order could not fix.  We cannot obey without it being from the heart.  "God wants our heart, then our obedience", Rick Thomas.

My pastors wife and he knew I had been struggling. They decided to ask their relative who mentored young women to come and talk to me. I sat down with her and for an hour,  I told her how I tried to be this good wife and mother but I was miserable. What I was really saying was Danny is not meeting my needs. She said, when I had finished, "Deborah, I think you have sin in your heart, bitterness, resentment and anger". I thought, haven't you heard a word I have said. I am the one trying here. I hurriedly left and got in my car and once again the tears streamed down my face.

Then it was like the very Spirit of God convicted me and Peggy was right. My heart was full of the very things that were destroying me. God brought me to repentance and I began to see that Danny could not make me happy. He was unable to meet the deepest longings and needs of my heart. Only Jesus could do that.  I had a peace and joy I had never had nor did I understand at that time.  I just knew I had experienced love and I had to tell it and I did.  I had not felt this way since I first accepted Christ as my Savior but it was about to become a way of life for me.

I then saw the gospel, Jesus, was not just for becoming a christian, it was also for living the christian life. It was one of changing direction, a change of heart and allowing the Lord to change me inside and out. This was just the beginning of a journey I was about to go on of learning to live a life of faith. One of loving others and not so concerned about what I could get, but giving of myself. Of trusting God with the people and circumstances in my life.

All this time Danny thought he was being a great husband and dad. He was giving us a life of wanting for nothing. Neither of us understood what life really was. But over the next 20 years God was going to be faithful in showing us. A man cannot meet a woman's needs and a job cannot meet a mans needs. We think if we find the right mate or find the right job we will be complete. Only Jesus, Father and Spirit can give us true peace and fulfillment and worth. We are only complete in Him. It is when we look to Him to meet the deepest needs of our heart sick soul can we even begin to love another person in a selfless way of putting God first and then our families and then our jobs and ministry.

This is something I hope to pass down to my family and friends and to you, I don't even know. Jesus is the end of the beginning of a life of joy and peace. He is the life. It is only through Him, trusting Him even in the hard things, can we know who we really are and what life truly is about. Loving God and loving others.

Now I hear the music of the gospel.  I know what it means to enjoy life and my family and people.  By no means is my life still perfect.  We have a big family and it seems there is always a struggle with one or more of us.  Even though I don't stay there I know when the music has stopped.  I know how to throw myself into the arms of the lover of my soul, like in Hosea.  I have had many lovers that I thought would satisfy my heart but only Jesus can truly give us the desires of our hearts and meet our every need.  Then we are free to love in radical and abandoning ways, we never thought possible.  It is a life of absolute freedom we long for.  Only when we are free from the chains of thinking other things or people can meet our need for belonging can we go out and love not fearing rejection and a need for them to do for us what only Jesus can do.

Peace Maker or Peace Keeper

John 4:13-14 Jesus answered and said to her. "Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst.  But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water spraining up into everlasting life.

One of my biggest idols or addictions has been one of peace.  I love peace and have tried to have it anywhere and anyway I can get it.  My husband is a coach and a farmer by trade.  He has made his living by motivating by yelling lol.  God has such a sense of humor.  You can imagine how he has refined me through the life long commitment to a strong guy that motivates and calls by disrupting peace.  He would play the crowd cheering over the loud speaker at practice so the team could learn to hear the calls in the games in the midst of all the noise.  I love solitude and quiet.  I wake up to a cup of coffee and my porch amongst the nature at the farm.  He wakes up to a cup of coffee singing Gather Hymns. lol  We are so different but yet God says, I can work with this to make you complete together in me.  We serve an amazing God.  I can tell you that if I had gotten a husband that gave me the kind of peace I thought I needed I would have never found it in Christ.  Jesus knew this and gave us both just what we needed, someone different from us to rub against what we think we need to make us happy.  I can think God gave me for Danny, maybe so,  but the truth is God gave Danny to  me for me.

Peace Maker or Peace Keeper?

Are you longing for peace? We are told Jesus is our peace. That the Father promises us peace.  Paul uses it as a blessing to the church.  That means that through receiving Christ and trusting Him with our circumstances and the people it in through relationship with the Father and Son through the Spirit we can have peace.

We find ourselves, those who hate conflict and love peace, trying to keep the peace at all cost. Just so no one is mad at us we are fine. This is an illusion of what real peace is.

Sometimes to have real peace in a situation we have to enter into conflict. Life is made up of such times as these.  Where there is no conflict there is no solved problem.  Sometimes we have to walk away from conflict but sometimes we have to enter in. It maybe different each time as we pray for direction, wisdom and guidance.

If you are in a really hard place as far as someones anger you are dealing with or your own anger, you may have to get outside, compassionate, wise counsel and help. It is ok. When this happens there is usually shame involved. Shame loves secrets. It cannot survive when it is brought to the light.  Anger is  because we are not getting what we want, when we want it.  We are not trusting Christ in our present situation or the life He has given us.  Most anxiety is thinking we know better how our life should go.  Or it is for me.  I don't always see how things can work out, but He promises to use it all for my good and I can say He has and has glorified Himself through it.  Why should I doubt Him now?

Peace is promised to us by Jesus and the Father. It is not always easy or comfortable. Don't settle for a false sense of peace maybe by running and hiding in insolation. It is said that depression is anger turned inward.  So we all struggle with our anger.  It is either turned on others or turned on ourselves.  It can be costly.  Don't try to find peace by controlling others by your anger or manipulation which still can be anger. Find true and meaningful relationships. Do the hard thing. Fight for what is already ours, Peace in Christ.

True peace in Christ can be had no matter what our relationships or circumstances but God is a God of reconciliation and redemption. God wants us to be the first to change.  As far as we go reconciliation may not always be possible but freedom through forgiveness is.  He wants us to work through our problems in our lives if possible and sometimes that means disrupting the peace. Sometimes it means letting go. Things may fall apart before they get better, if they even do.   It is hard to trust Christ when this happens but He promises to bring good out of bad situations. He even uses our sin for good.  It maybe a hard road but He redeems it.  Life does not always look like we think it should but in Him we have true peace. We usually do fight or flight. We fight with people or we run away. Neither of these bring true life and peace. People and relationships are work but they are worth it in gold when we persevere, ask for forgiveness or share how we have been hurt knowing we have hurt Jesus more than anyone could ever hurt us. Again if you are at a stand still ask for help, counsel, and wisdom. Don't go it alone. We need each other and we need the body of Christ. Maybe contact someone who has been where you are or someone in your church or family.

Be a peace maker and not a peace keeper. It is worth it.



These are some pictures of a hike I took with friends.  It is amazing to me how plush and green and alive everything was that surrounded the waterfall.  So are our relationships when Jesus is our life.  Even if you are in a hard place there are people around you who will begin to change, you will change and have changed, as you step out of your comfort zone and risk being rejected and enter into their heart of pain.  Jesus tells the Samaritan woman that He is living water.  He is life bubbling inside of her.  Without peace, true peace, we have no life that Jesus promises.  He is for us.  He wants us to enjoy and delight in Him and others.

Jesus is our life, our living water.

When I don't have peace I can recognize it now.  I pray a simple prayer, Lord you promise me peace.  You are my peace.  I trust you with the circumstances and people in my life. I trust you to change me.  I receive all you have for me.  Please give me your peace, give me yourself.  But then there are times I just collapse in His arms, like now.  And He mets me there.

Fresh Start

His Mercies are new every morning.



Fresh Start...

The hope and care of our relationships

We are not to be disinterested in each others lives or controlling but actively involved in each others lives. 1 Corinthians 3:6  I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. We are to plant, water and trust God to work. We are not responsible for the growth or change in another person.

My husband expects to have the best hay field, as a farmer, he can every year.  He plants, fertilizes, poisons, it rains hopefully just enough but the Lord produces the crop.  He then cuts, titters, and then bails.  But if it doesn't rain and the sun doesn't shine and the Lord doesn't add the growth there is just so much He can do.  He can plan, buy the seed, till the crop and work hard, and even pray but at some point He has to trust the Lord will produce the hay needed to feed the cattle from year to year.  So are we in each others lives.

1 Corinthians 3:6

I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow.

He works, plants and fertilizes but the growth is the Lords...

One of Lees longhorns...

.

Danny is breaking ice for the cows water...

If our relationships are not built on integrity, respect, honesty and vulnerability they corrode. We will reap what we sow. Sin does not lay still, dormant. It grows.

But God provides a way, an antidote. He is about redemption. He is about forgiveness and mercy. We can ask Him and others for forgiveness and allow God to change us. We can have new beginnings, fresh starts and new hope.

The work is done...

Where there is humility and brokenness there is grace. Grace runs downhill. Grace is for the humble. When we humble ourselves and ask for forgiveness. Share where we have been hurt and remember no one hurts us as we have hurt Jesus and forgive there is restoration and healing. There is a way to do it Gods way and that is through repentance and faith before God and others.

Taste and see that the Lord is good. His mercies are new every morning.  There is joy in the morning.

Who is your best friend?

Romans 7:15

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

This morning I decided to call a dear friend and go over to her house.  I had given her a bulb for Christmas and wanted to take pictures of its blooms.  But what I really wanted to do was share my heart, my struggles, praises and get her advice and prayer for me.  I have decided to share that struggle with you.  I am desperate and don't know what else I can do but get more prayer.

If you ask most christians who their best friend was they would say Jesus.  Then as they widened their world it would go to other close friends and hopefully their church community.

I have been asking myself this morning who is my ready, Freddie best friend.  To be completely honest with you I think it is my cigarettes.  I go there when I am sad, happy, fearful, need to be in control, comforted, feel insecure and want to feel safe.  And when when I want to meditate and be with Jesus.  I know sounds weird.  It is true.  I have some of my most thought provoking moments when I am smoking on my back porch just me and Jesus.

Who is your best friend?

We are created to worship.  The Lord is seeking those who will worship Him.  We worship many things.  My pastor once told me we are nest of idols.  Just imagine all the sticks that it takes to make up a nest and that each stick is an idol.  We worship our work, our clean houses, food, shopping, family (children, husbands, wives, mothers, fathers), pornography,  alcohol, knowledge, education, our cars, tv, our accomplishments, ministry.  We can make an idol out of anything.  I have a friend who has exercised so much over the years she has trouble with her foot.  She was leaning, because of it, on her good foot and broke her ankle.  I have told her, good food is an idol for her.  She use to carry her greens in a bag on vacation when we would go, everywhere we would go.  I think God why couldn't you give me a struggle like that.  My friend looks so good.  My other friend said she use to smoke and God just set her free.  Oh that is great!  Now I am angry at God.  Why doesn't He set me free?  OK, I repent.  Our bodies, beauty, strength.  Anything.  Our addictions.

We are nest of idols.

I feel like this tiny tree in our front yard right now with a nest of idols.  Oh over the many years I have been set free from many.  The thing that is the thorn in my flesh is this smoking thing.  No doubt God has used it to humble my proud heart.  I am so dang self righteous.  I hate it.  I justify the smoking.  Steve Brown, I like to call my friend, smokes a pipe.  He even speaks of a group of men called The Holy Smokes.  lol  I think Luther maybe even smoked.  It is just a legalistic thing, I say.  I need to be free like Steve.

I think about Jesus talking to the Pharisees about trying to keep the outside of the cup clean while the inside is full of bitterness, resentment and anger.  I ask the Spirit to search my heart.

Then I ask myself what does God really think about my smoking?  This is what I do know.  I know He wants me worshiping Him.  He wants for me to trust only in Him and not anything else, not even myself for righteousness and salvation.  Smoking is a constant reminder of me of this.  I am a mess in need of Jesus.  Is it a good thing?  No, it is a sin and it robs me of a lot of peace until I get to the point of trusting only in Christ.  Is He using this sin in my life for my good and His glory, absolutely.  I may die of lung cancer at an early age but it does not change Gods love or approval for me.  My worth and value is not wrapped up in whether I lick this horrible habit or not.  My identity, who I am, is only in, who I am in Christ.  I am forgiven, righteous and radically loved by a determined, strong willed God who will not give up until He gets my whole heart.  I don't know if that happens in this life.  There are times I surrender to God and feel like I have given Him every part of me but then I see things I am still not trusting Him with.  It is like the more faith I have the more I see I don't have.

So would you pray for me?  That I continue to move out of the comfort of my friend.  That I would continue to grow in living this life with real friends and the Friend that has so freely given to me this gift of life by His suffering and death that I won't be afraid to suffer to stop some habit.  That I would trust Christ to set me free.   That I would depend on Him to do what I can not do.