LETS BE REAL...

 

No matter our struggles or how long we struggle God will never leave us or give up on us.

 

 

 

One of the things I would like to share with you in trying to redeem and heal from my psychosis times years ago was where was God in all of this. I came to the conclusion to know that in my psychotic state that I was not hearing God talk and I was not seeing Him. So my question was where was He in those times especially.

I have come to understand that God lives in me and He will never leave or forsake me so how much more can I know that He was with me then just like any other time in my life.

It was comforting to know that God never changes. He is the same God all of my days.

It has been a difficult time when it seemed difficulties would never end and I might never change for the better. Times when my mind would just not stop. My prayer for peace became even more precious. God held on to me during those times to know Grace will be sufficient each day and my growth is His work. He who began a good work will complete it.

At this point I began again to speak truth to myself with more intensity and as much as needed. I felt blessed to be able to get up, function, care for my family and their needs that I could help with. I was not passively letting thoughts beat me up but intentionally reading, speaking, singing, dancing, meditating, working, sharing with friends and that is where I am today. Reminding myself who God is and who I am and worship Him for it. He has began to show me His hand in answering prayers and being confident in His unchangeable love for me. Greater is He who is in me! I went from how do you get me up every morning to I will be glad to face a new day. Everyday is a gift no matter how difficult it maybe. Remembering His faithfulness in every day no matter how difficult... as to who He is and what He promises to do is my hope not in a change of circumstances during the hard times. Even Jesus ask God is there any other way but there was not. Sometimes life is just hard. Faith is hard, fear is hard, anxiety is hard, depression is hard, hope is hard, loving is hard, encouragement is hard, hanging on is hard and just one foot in front of the other can be very hard...Some days when my body, mind and strength were hard I would say today will happen no matter how I am doing. We live in a broken world and our body breaks down. We were told life would be hard.

BUT HE IS WITH US.....

We have a loving God, Abba, Shepherd, Spirit who will keep hope alive and radically pursue us when we don't know how but He will make a way!

We have gone through elections, grands, marriages, physical health for me and Danny, mental struggles, loss of ones I love and yet God remains faithful in all of these. So thankful for a loving family and dear friends.

Deut. 31:8

The Lord Himself goes ahead of you and stays near.

He will not fail you, abandon you, or leave you without strength.

So do not be overwhelmed or discouraged, for His hand will steady you.

His help will sustain you, and His presence will carry you though every step before you

 

He placed HIs love on me. It is that love that is seeing me through...

Dear friends I have prayed for you many times that you may not lose heart.

Phil 4:13 Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the one who makes me who I am.

Many times I wanted to write.  It was my plan to get better and then to write you and share with you the things I did to get better.  Hoping to encourage you.  But the truth is I am not better.  If anything I have seen how much I need the prayers of the Saints and Jesus more than ever.

When you have struggled with your thought life over two decades I began to realize it is not as simple as I though just to change my thinking.  Recently it was suggested to me to make a list of the lies and write the truth.  This has been helpful bringing the truth and light to the lies.  The bible speaks of taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.  Also keeping a file what the Bible says about what I might be struggling with in my mind.  Along with daily claiming the promises of God.

The more I have worked on my thoughts more issues have unfolded.  For example...All my life I have lived before the public eye.  It has been a joy and a blessing but also a pressure on me that I did not realize.  Many things can determine who we think God is and the thoughts that enter our mind.  We do not have to be a slave to these determining factors but can be renewed in our mind of who God truly is and realize that our thinking can change.  Eventhough not perfect.

It is a comfort to me that the God that created me in His image did not make a mistake in allowing these struggles to me.  He told us we would have troubles.  This is a broken world.  So why are we surprised when suffering comes into our lives?

We need direction and truth.  There are reasons the Bible speaks often about our thoughts, our mind, suffering, sadness, grieving and anxieties.  Being downcast.  David struggled in the Psalms.

Being sad or thinking wrong thinking does not mean that you are different than many in the Bible or in everyday life.  Our thoughts can come from the world, the flesh, the enemy or ourselves.  I have learned to send bad thoughts to the cross and let Jesus fight for me or forgive me if they are mine.

 My granddaughter said in her testimony that being a Christian or taking a stand for Christ does not mean that difficult things will not happen but that Jesus will be with us through it.  This is where I am.  Still struggling but being so blessed that Jesus, Father and Spirit are with me to help me, protect me, forgives me and give me the assurance that Gods love for me never changes.  My daughter also said Mom you cannot lose what you did not earn.  My children and grands give me so much wisdom and for that I am thankful and blessed.

I have learned how God helps me in the day to day living of trusting Him and knowing that the cross is not just for salvation but for sanctification.  Becoming more like Jesus.  I have had to surrender to Jesus the life that I wanted for the life I have been given.  Good, bad and indifferent.

“For me repentance is a form of sanity. There is nothing so healing of the mind as a clean-break repentance which comes when one stands before the Father without any excuse-making or blame-shifting.”

Jack Miller

 My identity in Christ and as Gods child is my rock.  It can never change or never be taken from me.  This is the assurance of what Jesus assured us by His death and resurrection.  He gave us His Spirit and His promises to help and encourage us.  Along with the body of Christ, His gave us each other to help us in our journey.  Finding a friend or two who you can share your story, your failures, your struggles, and know they love you enough to speak truth and hope to you.  Someone who will not judge you because they have had their own story and need for Jesus. There is no false guilt or shame in these relationships or with God.  I have been learning to reject this thinking and retrain my thoughts.  Just training my mind to think...think of what life is doing and being mindful of God.  Being in the present has also been a work and not to live in the past of regret.  

 Jesus suffered for the joy that was to come.  So do I.  Many days I chose joy and many days I look to the joy that will be to come...It is not only Jesus hope but ours.

Do  Not lose hope...

 

Not just survive but thrive

“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are TRUE, whatsoever things are HONEST, whatsoever things are JUST, whatsoever things are PURE, whatsoever things are LOVELY, whatsoever things are of GOOD REPORT, if there be any VIRTUE, and if there be any PRAISE, think on these things.”

Deborah Ford

When I was a young teenager I dove into the bottom of a shallow contained lake.  The impact was tremendous.  Years later, around the time  I began to struggle mentally, I realized I had a hole in my eardrum.  A tumor had formed inside the hole and formed a parasite.  I had several surgeries.  The risk was great that I might be paralyzed on my left side of my face.  But yet grace was with me. 

One of my most favorite people is Joni Ereckson.  I recently listened again to her story.  She also dove into a pool head first,  but yet she was paralyzed.  God is using her accident to bless thousands all over the world.  I was struck when I heard she had  anger toward God and despair.  Sometimes we see the victory in people and forget the journey. 

God saw fit for me to not be paralyzed but still used me in a different way.  Dannys job was my platform.  I am thankful for that.

What hit me reading her story was how alike our stories were but yet one was paralyzed and one was not.  But God used us both.  Just like you.

As I read  her story again yesterday it was a gift to me to see Gods sovereignty in such a personal way for me.

Joni quotes, God allows what He hates to bring about what He loves.  I also believe God prevents, to bring about what He loves.  God blesses me no matter what my thoughts are.  Things have been so difficult I wished I could take my mind out of my head to relieve the pressure and the constant thoughts.   Like  Joni I repeated I cannot do this with out you Jesus.  She spoke it out of faith...mine was more our of desperation...

My mind has gone almost nonstop for a couple of years now.  Sometimes I try to distract myself in various ways.  My strength was only by prayer of the Saints. I felt I had failed God and  my family.  It drained me and so did the meds.   I have handled this in the poorest of ways and the best but God has never let me go.  My feelings have been unbearable.   God gave me ways to cope. Like patting my leg. Telling my body I am safe.   God sees me through the filter of His righteousness.  So what do I fear?  I just do.  I wonder if Jesus did?  Christ is my brave.  I know the truth but could not get my body to respond as if I knew.  God says fear not for I am with you.  Knowing in my head has not been enough.

My heart is to sing of the Christmas joy.  I AM SAVED.  I doubted even that but so did many others who are much greater than me.

 Tomorrow may bring new struggles but all I can do is live in today.  One step of faith at a time.  "Jesus I am stepping out in faith even though I don't feel like I have the strength."  Will you meet me there?

When we hear the lies God cannot change me, we need to remember God was determine to have a family.  So much so that He sent His own Son to come and rescue us from this broken fallen world.  By Adam we are sinful but by Christ we are righteous.  He will never turn His back on us but is relentlessly drawing us back to Himself over and over again.  HE WILL NOT GIVE UP SO neither will we.  We are His creation whom He loves because it is of Him.  We are special, unique.   There is a precious heart inside us waiting to be found.  A heart of flesh.  A Gem.

No matter what situation we find ourselves in or how we have failed we have purpose. We are forgiven.  We may not can do anything great for God but we can do small things with great heart.  We have to encourage each other to keep pressing on.  That is why we have gifts.  To serve each other.  To use them for the body to keep on doing good, loving others, not give up and keep hope alive.  Jesus is our Hope!.

There is an enemy and he is wicked, he is a liar.  He will do all he can to keep us from God and think we are ineffective for the kingdom.  He will bring up your failures and fears and past over and over if you allow it.  He is defeated. He will take a little bit of truth and magnify it to a lie.  Fight with confidence, fight with weakness but fight, even if you fail evil will not win. The counsel of the body of Christ is one of the greatest gifts we have for each other....these are some things I learned along the hard beaten path, we have ways to fight the enemy,  Speak aloud Gods word.  We have an armor, worship, truth of who we are, draw near to God and resist evil and he will flea from you, stand still and ask Jesus to fight, reading Gods word, bring lies to the light, share with friends and ask for prayer, God wants to know when we need Him and this is how we can, plead with God to keep evil away, He wants to know our heart.  We have the power to break strongholds. He provides all we need for righteousness, ask Him for everything you need.  I  live by Gods promises daily.  Asking the Spirit to speak to me through them.  Praying the 23 Psalm and the Lords prayer was how I began my days over and over.  Being thankful even when I wasn't.  God had to fight me to bless me I was so down on myself and fearful.  He is the meaning of  humility, kind, patient, strong, loving Heavenly Father.  The Prodigal Father.  He has an ocean of grace for you.  We don't begin to touch on His ways.  They are not ours but they can be.

I learned to give my anxious thoughts and situations to Jesus and there is power in that.  He takes them.  I pleaded for peace to guard my heart and my mind and it did.  Peace is one of the most wonderful things Jesus gives us.  I cried out in desperation so many times..  He was there.  I don't just want to survive anymore but to thrive.  I am not better or worse because of my suffering but different.  

 I see Jesus love in me loving others.  Its nothing like the love we have it is a glorious selfless love that overflows from Christ in us to others. It is beautiful and powerful;.

God is for us!  May the hope of the newborn child bring you great joy, peace and hope this wonderful holiday season!  May this be the Merriest of Christmas ever for us all.

To those who are in knee deep pain and suffering please let this encourage you.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Remember we will receive a crown and lay it at the very feet of Jesus.  We are a royal priesthood.  A beautiful creation that was born out of the very heart of God.

God loves you so very very much...

Broken is Beautiful

Broken is Beautiful

Who I am is who I believe I am to be

     Almost two years ago I wrote I was packing my bags and

 finding out who I really am. 

Spiritually speaking.

     These last two years have been the most difficult  I have ever experienced in my life.  I have had suffering in my life as have all people my age.  But these were consistently the worse I have ever known.

     Someone who has been a christian as long as me know all the right things to do and say, in any situation.  I did those things...I also did the things that I knew were wrong, so to speak...Like I almost gave up hope at times, my faith was more on feelings and emotions than on assurance. They were not reliable.  God gave me the assurance I needed during this time.  I could hardly read my bible.  My faith seem to be next to nothing.

     Responding to life the right way is a good thing, but it can also be more difficult to know your true heart if you are just trying to do the right thing. 

     Twenty four years ago my life seemed to have the perfect storm.  I could not respond how my faith told me that I should so I withdrew in fear and doubt.  This was not the woman I was before this time and it is not the woman I am today.  I have tread water and I have sunk and swam.  The waves have over come me and I have ridden them.  It was a cycle of doing well and pushing forward in trying to find sense of my struggles and the life God had given me not wanting to waste a day.

     More times than not I knew how very blessed I am.  It just did not seem enough or to matter.  As in anyones life I had seasons of being fruitful and seasons of weeping with no tears.

     I was blind to the lies we can believe about our worth and how fear can creep in.  The Lords prayer I repeated as I fell asleep.  Knowing it is Gods Kingdom and His will is our prayer.

     The Twenty Third psalm was my go to... As my Shepherd fought every guilt and fear and sent an army after me...my family and friends.  I learned to pray on my knees even though short not any less sincere.

      Prayers of others seemed to carry me with the strength I needed to sustain and carry me as I maintained my home and tried to sort it all out.  It was a humbling time to see how dependent I was.  At the same time to see the beauty of Gods people felt honored to pray and serve me.  To try to explain my racing mind for two years is not easy.  I experienced depression I never had before. 

      I could see how God was not limited by my feelings that were not reliable.  He was building an assurance in me that I knew had to be.  A woman different that I was.  

      I worried about life that may have been stolen from me so I tried that much harder to value time and make it count.  I can breathe now.  I can love people without fear or guilt and shame that I didn't realize I had.  With a love so different that I cannot even explain.  It is not that I didn't love people before but this is one with seasoned years of failures and successes, with brokenness, with faith tested and a battle that was fought for me.  

     If you ask me I would say that is one of the main reasons Jesus came to die for us.  Our Father wanted a family.  He uses us and the Spirit to bring us together in a love that is not by trying harder but caring more for others than ourselves.  We are an overflow of the Fathers love for His family

through Jesus. 

     Who I am as a child of God is always my identity whether I am struggling as I have been off and on during these last twenty something years.  I am not running in fear anymore. Not that I don't fear but hopefully it does not control me.  There were times I would hide in the clef of the rock, under the wings of God, by still waters. 

     We all have gifts to serve and encourage others.  I have strength I didn't know I had in my weakness.  I am here today because of Jesus not my faithfulness.  Sometimes it is hard for me to even wonder why me Lord.   We all have a purpose.  I have a hope.  I have been broken more times than I ever thought would happen.   I have to believe...

 Broken is Beautiful...

 

How I forgot to be thankful......

• Covid is serious........ 
• 
  
• Wear your mask.............
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• SOCIAL DISTANCE.........                             

We are a spoiled nation.  

We are at home with family. We are finding what relationship means. We are talking to each other. Enjoying the simple things of life like taking a walk. We have time to be quiet and still. To listen to music or learn a new instrument or paint a picture or being creative with our hands We are trying new recieps. Our groceries are delivered to our homes or cars. We are paid for not working or even being allowed to work from the comport of our homes. Our children get to sleep and play and still do school at home. We are organizing our clutter. We are gardening and sharing them with the poor and our neighbor and still be safe. We are learning the blessing of having a garden and watching it grow as we feel the dirt in our hands and the sweat on our brow. Most of us can order anything we want or need onine delivered to our door. We have computers, television, phones with enough entertainment to last a life time.

I have thought about the people in Kenya, the homeless. Our power was out for two days. They have no power at all. What must it be to have no running water, to not have a floor beneath your feet, or a place to lay your head or to call your own.

Does this make us more thankful? We can go through a drive threw without a thought. Sit outside a restaurant or have church in the beauty of creation.

We help others with the damage of the storms...Our country has been hit heard no doubt.

SINCE THIS TIME THE VIRUS HAS INCREASED IN MANY AREAS.

As you protect yourself from covid be wise in also protecting others.

May we be the feet and hands of Jesus.

Love God and others as best you can...AND STILL BE SAFE.......

to those who need it. This is true community, the church. I have had so many friends help me. I have thought God sent an army after me. This is beautiful to God. 

We can reach out to others in creative ways with the love of Jesus ...being His hands and His feet and His love for others. Make that phone call of encouragement, send that note, say a prayer, learn to be thankful even if you have not been. Deliver that meal or flowers at their door. Text an encouraging text, send a song or prayer for your friend. Take time to read and journal this memorable time for generations to come and the good you see from it and the struggles. How you walked through it. Be creative and use your gifts. See the beauty of God turning us back to family and to our Lord in this time we seem to dread and rightfully so. Make everyday count.

Live in the blessing of today, not in what we think we do not have. We can have a community and connection with God and others that we all long for. It is more beautiful and more rich than we can imagine if we would but look around us and the needs of others.

May the love of God guide our hearts to love Him and others in this time we look at as a hardship. This is my prayer for you and me.

As you guard yourself from the covid be safe and wise....