Getting back to basics.

Our grandchildren were just here from the city, for about 10 days.  This included a trip to the beach and then back to the farm for a few days before returning home.  I was reflecting on the ways we enjoyed them while they were here and I think they enjoyed it to.  We went back to the basics.  We didn't feel we had to spend a lot of money or entertain them all the time.  They learned to just be, enjoy nature, family and work.  They played hard and they loved hard and they worked hard.  When bed time came they hated to go to sleep.  I think it was because they didn't want to miss something.

They had their cousins and each other and us at the beach.  Of course there were lots of swimming.  They enjoyed burring themselves in the sand and building castles or just digging holes in the sand, filling them with water and watching them wash away as the tide came in.  They went night crabbing on the beach and fishing in the ocean on a boat.  We sat on the porch over looking the view and just listened and laughed and talked.  They and their cousins were inseparable.  They slept together, ate together and just had fun with each other.  They did play games and visit the peer with their aunts and uncle daily but spending money was not the focus of the trip.  The kids were a part of the enjoyment of their aunt Jen and Elizabeth too.  There were times of simple shopping for t shirts, sleeping together, walks on the beach and visits for ice cream.  Birthday cake and the celebration of Paynes birthday.  He was given a journal by his aunt Pat and everyone wrote a blessing and thoughts about how much they loved him.

When they returned to the farm there was a little of a battle here and at the beach to compete with the television and their iPhones.  I know you may not have the resources we have here at the farm but as you  are creative God will give you the opportunity to enjoy your kids and let them live life with you as you both enjoy God.  Let your kids do life with you.  Don't feel you have to give them all the theology at once and entertain them or buy them.  Let them see the majesty of God in the big dipper, the figures in the sky of clouds.  To enjoy God while washing dishes or folding clothes.  Maybe caring for the yard or mopping floors.  The job may not be perfect and it may take a little more time but it is worth it in the long run.  Something I have wanted to model before my family is repentance.  They know I mess up and I want them to know we are forgiven and can begin again.  That I need Jesus.

They would ride the golf cart and sometimes have to push the mini bike all the way through the hills and pasture.  Sweat pouring down their little faces and a smile from here to Missouri.

Our grands enjoyed eating good home cooked meals, thanks to pop, ice cream and m an m's, cheese and pepperoni as an afternoon snack.  They went fishing, played with all three of my sons dogs.  They played in the rain and ran through the mud puddles and even jumped in the pond.  They got dirty and laughed and used their imagination.  They played hide and seek and went fishing with their pop.  We took pictures and captured memories.  Their uncle Lee came and got them almost daily to work the cows, dig ditches, and repair equipment and even bail a little hay.  They rode Lees horses with pop, Lee and Shealey.  At first they were not crazy about the work but Lee was determined to show them how and to show them the joy and rewards of hard work.  We gave them opportunity to help us in cleaning the table, doing errors and caring for each other.  MK our granddaughter, loved creating pictures and doing her tricks to entertain us all.

I don't remember an argument or a grumble for very long.  They were loved and hugged a lot.  They were told how much they were loved and how happy we were they were here.  What we appreciated in each one of them and how special they are to us and to God.  How we love them unconditionally and all the same.  That nothing they can do can change that love.

I was able to take my older grandson Jordan, to breakfast, just he and I.  We talked about his dreams and thoughts and plans.  What his struggles were and his victories and how God had been in his life all along.

The cousins cried as they left each other and piled once again in the bed and sofa with pop to sleep.  The time was drawing near and how could we grab enjoyment out of the last moments with them and their mom, was on my mind.  So I decided the best thing I could do was to help my daughter.  She, of course, was overwhelmed with so much on her mind of what to do to get ready to leave.  I would remember as she shared her worship music loves with me and we prayed for guidance for the remainder of the time.

I am sad they are all gone.  Our oldest grandson finishes baseball for the summer in a couple of weeks.  I look forward to his visits back to the farm, before he returns to college and playing there.  He and me, his pop and his uncle Lee are close and he just jumps in with each of us in whatever we are doing.  He hunts, fishes and works hard.  HIs highlight is what are we going to eat.  We take turns feeding him lol.  He loves being home with his awesome mom who of course spoils him and visiting his aunt Elizabeth who does the same.  It is funny how his heart is so warm and willing.

I am not trying to paint an unrealistic picture.  We, like all families have our struggles to get along and work through our differences, but God has been good to us.  I just wanted to share a few of the ways our grands got back to basics.  I miss you all so.

Grandchildren are Gods second chances for messed up parents!

What do you see?

What do you see when you look at your spouse?  your child?  your friend?  your enemy?  those who believe different from you?  those who are struggling and not having much victory?  Are we full of mercy and love and walk humbly with our God?

Without realizing it the last several weeks I have become discouraged.  It was just like a low cloud hanging over my head.  Some on the things that have happened to my brothers and sisters.  The anger we respond to what we don't understand.  The toleration and the lack of love.  The message of the gospel seemly hurt.  I was grieving.  I became a discouragement and self focused and hopeless.

I began to think, what does the gospel say?  It says Christ has won.  It is over.  It is finished.  We are His and nothing can separate us.  He has brought us into His own and He has defeated evil and satan.

How do I see those in my life?  Do I see the best in them?  Do I see the things they do well or what is wrong?  Not that I ignore sin but is my focus their sin or what God is doing in them?  Do I allow myself to be taught by them.  Is my hope in me and what I can do in this world to change it or in our Lord who has victory over all.

Am I expectant at what God will do today for me and the lives of those I love?  Jesus came to serve not to be served.  Am I more interested in what others can do for me?  Do I treat others how I am treated or how I want to be treated?  Do I see the love and treatment and care others have for me.  Do I live in the grace of God and extend that grace to others?Am I more interested in enjoying people and God than I am about getting what I want in life.  In people changing the way I think they should change.  In me changing as I want and not waiting on the Lord in faith and patience.

Am I giving my heart, vulnerability, honesty and openness to those who are hurting or am I afraid they will hurt me.  Do I know we conquer evil with love?  That Jesus did not come to judge the world but to bring sinners to repentance.  Am I quick to admit when I am wrong?  Am I willing to listen with an open heart and mind or am I thinking about how I can reply?  Do I listen to my loved ones and their concerns and thoughts and opinions and dreams.  Do I love the brother that is not like me.  Not that I excuse his sin or mine.  Even those that sin against me do I respond in anger, bitterness and pettiness.  Do I respond to them in sin?  Do I think I am better than those who have struggled more than me?  In those I would have done it different?  Do I analyze, justify and blame others for me and my struggles and life?  Or do I accept myself and my life and those in my life and circumstances as those God has placed in my life to make me who He wants me to be?  To enjoy them?  To bring glory to Himself?  To give me only good things?  When bad things happen do I question Gods love and goodness for me?

Do I drink in the love of God and others like there is no tomorrow?  Do I breath deep only to dream of the coming Lord and the home He has prepared for me and those who love Him?  Do I face my fears and doubts with a humble courage that trust Him?  Do I ask myself each day what difference can I make in someones life?  How can I encourage them?  How can I instill hope in them and tell them the Love of God that never changes?  Do I catch others doing good?  Do I see the grace in their lives?  Do I build up my brother and sister, I ask myself again.  Do I fight evil with good?  Am I a part of the good or part of the problem?  As I see others to I value them more than myself?  May I remember who I am in Christ and spread the truth to other believers.  May I be full of joy and peace because Christ has come.

Lord change me..Create in me a clean heart.  One that delights to worship you and glorify you and see you in the lives of others.  Give me a life of worship and surrender.  One that knows how to lay my life down for others and pick up my cross and follow you.  One who knows how to giggle, and laugh and be expectant of the best in others.  What do you see when you look at me?  I want it to be Jesus.  I want to see Jesus when I look at you.  Lord change me to a heart of surrender and trust.  May I live today like it is my last.  May I press on in hard times and look to you even when I don't.  May I gain the trust of others and be a safe place to hurt and play and dream.  Give me the eyes of Jesus to see you in my everyday and the blessings that are all around me.  I pray for a thankful, grateful, hopeful heart.  Lord may I let you live your life through me.  May I be one of blessing and encouragement that sees and lives out of the passion, power, joy and peace of the Gospel.

God made Paul blind and then He gave him eyes to see.  Give me please Lord, eyes to see you.  Apart from you none of this is possible.  I need you evermore.  When I look at me there is no hope.  But you hope abounds.

My parents were not perfect

We were young.  Too young to know what it meant to be a parent and have a baby.  I thought to meet my children's physical needs meant I was a good parent.  It is all I wanted in life was to be a good mom and wife.  Danny wanted four children and it sounded good to me.  I had no idea what that in tailed.  Meeting my kids emotional needs never occurred to either of us.  I kept the home and he did the work.  That was the way we were raised and it seemed to work.  Or did it.  Did I know my own emotional needs or was I training a family all about the law.  You do the right thing and you are a good person.  Be sweet and look pretty and handsome, act right and things will be ok.  It took all I had to just keep the tribe together and where they needed to be.  Talk about life and God and dreams and heart issues was foreign to me.  Just do what you are suppose to do and life will go well for you and me.  Yes I love you...but what does that mean?

I remember the day I discovered my parents were not perfect, they did not know everything and they did not do everything I thought they should.  This was a rude awaking.  I always loved my parents dearly and they loved me.  But there came a time I became my own person.  Their raising affect me and my beliefs and many were good.  But I had come to the place of having my own beliefs and thoughts as a young mother.

The truth of the matter is, so did my children also come to this realization.  I think they thought I was perfect, saw my dysfunction and flaws, and then came to appreciate me for who I am and my love for them no matter how flawed it was.  They became thankful for me and my husband as parents even though we failed in many ways.

It is funny how when your parents are gone, you don't think on the wrong things they did usually, but your love and appreciation for them grows.  Oh you may have to work through certain things they did and how the influenced you but as a whole they are a blessing from God, no matter how they messed up.  They did not mess you up though.  Keep yourself from blaming your father and mother for your life.  See your own life now as you must take responsibility for it.  Life can be hard.  I know it to be true.  I am sorry for those who had parents that disappointed them but we all are sinners.  We grow into knowledge not out of it.  I know better now how to be a parent than I did when I had children.  That is why it is important to have an older couple guide you.  I have always thought God did it backwards.  We should have had kids when we got old.  But no energy right!

There is only one perfect parent.  If we do it right, we are a representation of the Father to our kids.  If we don't, He steps in and is the perfect parent we were not.  I came to the realization that all parenting is seen as grace when you come to the end.  None of us do, a great job.  The truth is great parents have messed up kids and messed up parents have good kids.  There is no rhyme or reason but it is all of God.

The best thing we can do as parents, no matter how old our kids are is to tell them we messed up and God is their only perfect parent.  For them to see His faithfulness in their lives to bring them to Him.  That it does not depend on the parent but on God.  It is for God to parent our kids.  I heard it said once that our kids are His but only on loan to us.

Have you told your kids you love them lately no matter what they do as far as being a success in finances, beauty, sports, jobs,  or whatever they have poured their life in?  It is all fleeting.  Only the life we have in Christ of glorifying Him and loving others is important.  Just out right enjoying God in the small things of this life.  He is our joy and peace.  He is parenting us all and it was His desire for a family that drove Him to send His Son to rescue us from ourselves and from evil.  We do not have to be self centered and self focused.  We can love God and love others more than ourselves and know it is only the Spirit working in our hearts that do this.

So reach out and hug some dad tomorrow.  Yours if you can or someone else's, or someone that has fathered the fatherless.  It takes a village to raise a child.  We all need each other no matter what our parent circumstances are.  We are a family.  The body of Christ.

I have to believe there is a special blessing on those with no present father, widows, those with an angry father and those awesome moms who chose to be both.  God will not leave our children alone but parent them and love them in ways none of us can.

What if God never heals my mind?

In Every circumstance give thanks to God for this is the will of God for you who are in Christ Jesus.

Yesterday was a good day.  My mind was clear and fears did not over come me.  I was not sedated or overly medicated so I was able to be alert and sane in my thinking.  I was overcome with thanksgiving and joy.  How could my God give me such a gift?  Then I paused...I said Lord I don't want to be more thankful for a sane mind than I am for your Son.  I want to be more thankful for your gift and Jesus death and life than anything good that might happen to me.

I don't think if I had not had the struggle of mental sickness would I appreciate such a good day.  I don't take them for granted because I know how hard a day can be when you are fearful, confused with intrusive thoughts and oppressed.

This morning, I woke very early.  As I sat on my porch, sipping my coffee, the birds had begun to sing of a new day.  The light was still on the post and the sun had not found its place in the morning sun rise.  The trees seem to burst forth in the sky as a sparkler on the fourth of July.  It was me in the midst of Gods creation and I was thankful for yet another day.  I paused and said...God I cannot believe I get to be your child.  I was overcome.

It seems we are always striving for what we don't have.  We wouldn't express it but we are dissatisfied with the life God has given us.  We have our dreams and expectations and when they are met in the perfection we demand or expect we are disappointed.  We have a lack of contentment and thanksgiving.  

Just a few days I realized this discontentment in me.  What if God never heals me in this life?  I confessed this to the Lord and told the Lord that if I never had a sane mind, He was good, with me always and worthy to be praised.  I was sincere.  I let go of thinking I would ever be well again.  Gods ways are not our ways and it was just not happening.  I had tried everything to manipulate God and to take control to make my life easier and it was still a struggle.  Job said are we to only accept the good from the Lord and not adversity?  Could I give God true, heartfelt praise in my confused and troubled mind?  It did come.  There is a rest in surrender of yourself to the living God.  In presenting yourself a living sacrifice.  We think we want a good thing, and we do.  We think God must want what we want, a christian marriage, obedient children, successful life with no worries of job, in laws, health and finances.  I heard it said, people with mental illness are weak.  The truth is they are much too strong, in their own strength.  God gives us things we cannot handle so we will turn to Him and depend on Him for the things we cannot do or cannot understand.  We are finite and we cannot understand the ways and mind of God. 

We think we are to have a ministry or to do something big for God.  We want to be important or remembered.  We find our significance in what we do rather than what God has done.  I saw it was in the little things of everyday life of living to the glory of God is where we meet with Him and know Him in ways we would have never known before.  It is in our struggles even.  When we grow in knowing God more and who He really is, not who we think He is or should be, we come to know who we really are.  It is when we accept our failure that we come to experience the life in Christ that is bigger than any struggle we may have.

So, today is another day where the things of my mind is clear and I am thankful. I don't ask for God to heal my mind today.  I have ask it more than 3 times.  I give myself to Him, ask the Spirit to fill me, to take control of my mind and pray to give Him glory throughout my day, whatever it holds. He teaches me new and mysterious things everyday though, even my sick mind.  It is His surrender to the Father that is mine.  It is His grace that works it in me.  I am learning how to trust God with my fears and not let them control me more and more.  Peace did not come easy today.  Several things happened this morning that was hard and I went straight to bed.  Then the Spirit nudged me and I said I will not run to my security today but to Jesus.  It may not be easy tomorrow and I will still praise God and give thanks, Lord wiling.  But God will be glorified in me because of who He is.  I love the saying, when you cannot see His hand, trust His heart.  No matter how hard things get in this life, God is never changing.  He is always for us, even when we cannot see.  This life is but a breath, but eternity with Him is forever.

I am not trying to be some kinda hero.  I am sure I will fail.  But God has put this love in my heart and has drawn me to a life of worship.  It is where He is glorified and I am happiest.  I have so far to go in this life called faith but it is so sweet knowing Him in the process!

The mind of Christ

The thoughts run through my head...my tooth hurt yesterday.  I have had so much work done in my mouth, what now.  Something bit me last night on my back.  It still stings this morning.  What shall I do about it?  Wonder what it was?  I am to give my story to a group on Thursday.  It has been so long.  Can I do it?  One child was troubled last night, another had a bad headache and the list goes on and on.

As I have come out of denial and began to live this life, I had to come to grips with my fears and anxieties.  I was told the walls of your mind are down and all the thoughts come through, good and bad.  Usually we keep unwanted thoughts out of our mind, but you are unable to do that, I was told.  What did this mean?  Where did these horrible thoughts, that tortured me come from.  They were so huge, magnified my doctor said.  I never knew I had these thoughts, before I got sick.  Did others have them too?  Were they fearful and even anxious at times?  What did they do with them?

I began to learn to take every thought captive.  I would bring the truth of God's word up against these intrusions to my mind.  Many times they would stop, until another fear would come to mind, at another time.  We are told to not be anxious, but to bring our fears to the Lord and I did.  I knew fear and and anxiety was unbelief and therefore a sin.  That it was not understanding some truths about God, but thinking of Him wrongly.  I had to correct my thinking according to Gods word and who He is.  Sometimes I would just change my thinking from a bad thought to thinking on whatever was good and lovely.  I would think on Christ.  I would claim that I had the mind of Christ and that was where I wanted to be.  I prayed the Holy Spirit would fill me each day.  I would ask the Spirit to take control of my mind and only let thoughts that were glorifying to God enter my mind.

I have stated before, we have all kinds of thoughts enter our head.  We are to discern the Spirits and reject the thoughts that do not line up with scripture.  These thoughts can be from the world, the flesh and the devil.  We are not to act or entertain the thoughts, that are not from God, but reject them.  I will write more on this another time.

My thoughts are clearer, much clearer today.  I am so thankful, but just a few days ago I prayed...Lord if my mind never gets healthier,  you are still so good, with me and worthy.  I will praise you.  Please teach me the things you would have me to know.  I want to know you better, deeper and richer by the power of your Spirit.  Sanctify my mind, wash me clean and give me the thoughts that honor you.  I reject anything else.  Please discipline my mind Holy Spirit.  Let me have self control, the fruit of the Spirit.  May my mind be full of you and your goodness and will.  May your will be mine Lord, even if it gets no better, may I trust you more.  But it is not about my faithfulness but yours.  It is not about what I do but what you have done, for me.  Jesus obedience and righteousness is mine.  I just want to go and tell somebody.  Please Lord, renew my mind.

Perfect love cast out all fear.  This is where He meets us.  It is an invitation to encounter God once again and again.

Winners never lose, losers never win

We come from a family of long line, full of winners.  Why should that day be any different.  Oh I wouldn't have said it, but looking back, I see it full well.  As usual, of a overly sensitive person, I got my feelings hurt.  Then when a quick apology didn't come.  When things weren't seen my way.  I had to prove my point.  I had to be the winner.  I forgot all I had known and my pride got in the way.

When you are in the heat of a moment, where does your heart go?  Does it go to prove your point.  To be right?  To bring up past wrongs and defend, excuse, blame shift and ignore the other persons points.  Do I listen or only think of what I am going to say next?  Is there a time when winning is losing and losing is winning.

My husband and I had a conflict.  Life is made of those between people.  Even those who love each other.  Do we fight fair or hit below the belt?  Words will never hurt me, is just not true.  We women can so disrespect our husbands and husbands can so not love their wives, that we can cut to the bone.  This is unfortunate, we have to learn through failing but repentance and asking for forgiveness is a way of growing through convict and becoming actually better and closer than ever.  Not that we want to forget how to love our mates, but when we do, there is a way of redemption.  But the healing may take time.

It is a sure work of the Spirit when I don't defend myself.  Well it is a work of the Spirit, to show me my sin, when I don't.  I had rather not dishonor my husband and not have my own way.  I had rather trust God to work in his heart and mine.  To work through our conflicts, without taking out the knife of our words.

The night was hard.  The next morning, all I could do, was say what a bad night last night was.  I regretted it so bad, but somehow I needed to do more than just ask for forgiveness.  My husband looks for change.  This time was no different.  Change me oh Lord and have mercy.  Give me the grace to do and be what I cannot be.

The mail came.  It was an invitation for my husband to possibly host a cruise.  I said who you going with.  He said I was going to ask you.  What a surprise of grace from my husband and the good Lord. I had not earned it, but it was a gift, freely given.  Of course he loved me and this, was only one way he chose to show me.  How could I doubt it?  Our life together was evidence of it.  Our commitment to one another and the things we had been together, good and hard.  I don't know what will happen with the cruise,  but I do know, to be the one my husband wants to go with, is worth the lesson I learned that day.

Later that day, he was on the phone.  I rounded the corner and he said, "I have to go, my beautiful wife just walked up".  My how our words can heal and encourage, even change.  Or how they can tare down our loved ones and hurt.

It appeared to many that Jesus dying on the cross, was defeat.  He appeared to have lost.  But many who believed this saw, that the way of Jesus is through humility.  Through loving others enough to lay your life down for them.  Through loosing your life, for Jesus sake, is to find it.  It is valuing others more than yourselves.  It is out serving one another.  It is loving, even when it means dying, even when it hurts.  It is listening instead of always having a right answer.  It is taking first the plank out of your eye so you can see the speak in a others eye.  It is knowing you are the biggest sinner in the room because, your sin put Jesus on the cross.  It is only from this place of humility can you remember how to love someone else, by the love the Father has for you.

How do we doubt the Fathers love for us?  Sending His one and only son, the cross, is the evidence of it.  Anytime you doubt, I doubt, look to Jesus.

The Simple pleasure...

This has been a weird week, the one before Mothers Day.  Just the other day, I laid in my bed in the middle of the day, thinking of my mom.  Of my good times with her, like tasting wine in the grocery story and going to cook steaks for Tam and Dad that night.  We laughed all the way through.  The card games she would play with my kids and let them win.  Well sometimes lol.  She loved playing games and making them want to beat her.  Of the laughs in the kitchen and at the pool and the shopping trips when I couldn't afford clothes, she would buy them all.  And the tears at us leaving time after time as she and dad stood on the porch as they watched us drive away.

My mom taught me how to be a lady and how to take care of my family and husband.  Her home, hospitality and gracious heart was always there.  She never shared the things she did for others.  It didn't matter to her.  She was concerned for the others and what they needed and how she could meet that need.  She taught me how honesty and character were important in this life and to God.

She use to say...we Wilson women and one bunch of strong women.  We can handle anything. Later in life her strength was her God and not her own.   Mom and I didn't talk much growing up.  I played, she worked.  I stuffed my feelings and tried to gain the approval I always had.  She ask me once, "why am I not your best friend like...is to their daughter"?  I said I need you to be my mom not my friend.  I caused my mom a lot of pain in her life, like with me being sick.  It killed her to know the struggles my family and I had.

But as I grew older and had my own kids, my mom did become my best friend.  I thought of the regrets that day, last week,  as I laid in my bed, thinking of her and how much I missed her.  I cried like a baby, missing her, for the first time sense her death.  But not anymore.  She loved me beyond words and I always knew that.  I can't wait to see her again and tell her again, what a wonderful  mom she was.  Oh, things were not perfect.  They aren't meant to be.  Mothers Day is not really about how perfect we are as a parent, but how God is the perfect parent for us.  He is redeeming His children.  He is teaching us, as His little child, how to love Him and trust Him and depend on Him.  He teaches us to love our brothers and sisters, our enemies even and Him.  How to forgive and trust and hope again.  How to live.  How to have life in His life in us.  How to laugh and play and work and cry with others and alone.  The family is just a picture of Gods family.  He makes all things right in His time.  We are an imperfect picture of God, the perfect parent to our family.  We will fail and fall and be so tired at night, when we put them to bed, we think our back will break, as we lean over for a good nite kiss.

My advice to moms is...if you are married...love your husband.  One of the best gifts you can give your children.  I know, I do not know him but both parents come into this family as sinners.

Talk when they are young, listen as they grow up.  Physical needs are important but the caring of your childs heart is what we all should be looking towards.

Teach them how to fail and succeed,  but mostly how to enjoy God and others.  The most important thing they can do in life is to love God and for it to play out in the way they live.  I am not talking about perfection but trusting.   Let them know these failures and sins just points them to Jesus and His love for them. Their need for Him, their Savior.   Encourage them of Gods working and His Word in their lives, to love His Word and how He never leaves them.  How you may let them down but He never will.  The importance of learning to be still and quiet with Him.  Seems impossible for the young today.

This is all I have.  Have a wonderful Mothers Day.  If yours is no longer with you, if she was a awful mom, if you don't even know who she is, if you had a great one...think and tell if possible just how much you love her and you will have a long life and be blessed.  Don't live in regret, but in the care and love of your Heavenly Parent who has had a plan all along for good.  Lets live in it.  Enjoy your children and let them know how much you love them and only God loves them more.  One of the greatest joys I have had in life has been my children.  I love them with all my heart.  It was part of Gods plan for me.  Each of ours are different.  Find the blessing in it if you can.  It is there.  You can be a mom, whether you have children of your own or not.  I know many.  God doesn't need us to parent our children.  He gives us the simple pleasure of doing it.