Longing for Perfection

 "And above all these things, have love, which is a bond of the perfection." (Colossians 3:14)

Our hearts are always longing for something more. We seek perfection everywhere. In our lives, and in the people and circumstances that surround us. We think: We surely can do better. When I do that, I feel better about myself for a little while. Till the next defeat or failure.

When the house is quiet, and it is as if I am all alone, the Spirit whispers to my heart that I need change. I begin to think of the things I want to change in my life. You know, trying to get the outside of the cup clean. But the heart is where Gods looks. It determines everything else.

As I spent time thinking what this might look like, I was impressed that God the Father wanted me to know more of His love for me, and more of His unconditional favor. More of the grace He has lavished on me. The waterfall of blessing. He not only wanted me to receive His love, but to watch my love abound. I have times alone with Him. Meditating on who He is, and who I am to Him.

In an in-depth Bible study in Ephesians, the Word of God fed my very soul and mind. I grew in loving trust and dependence on the Father who wants to wrap me in His arms. There was change. Faith was growing deeper. I was broken and humbled over His amazing delight in just being with me.

Oh, to be whole in a world with no sin, no suffering or tears, worshiping the King of the Universe. Enjoying and delighting in His ever magnificent presence. Just the thought of this takes my breath away. It takes me beyond my own imagination. It takes me to a place of such contentment. Such joy. To think I will exist in His radiant glory forever.

I envision angels singing glory to God, and all of creation bowing down to Jesus as Lord. The radiance of God's glory bringing light to a darkened world, and life that could not be fathomed. His majestic beauty. There we are at peace, existing with Him and in Him. Father, Son, and Spirit. Perfect unity. His Bride united to Him for all eternity and forevermore with Him. Clothed in His righteousness. Her for whom Christ died, that she might be joined in love relationship and live out eternity with Him. My heart sings with contentment and worship: To God be the Glory and honor forevermore!

Jesus is our "more." These desires are only pointing to our deep, heart-longing for God and for heaven. There is so much more here with HIM than we have realized, but then completely when we meet Him face to face. It is a place to be longed for as Paul did, but remaining content as we are, here and now. Trusting all things to His marvelous plan.

Thank you, Father, that we do long for heaven. We long for You, God. We are thankful for the taste of heaven now in the fullness of life in Your presence. Our desires for perfection point us to Heaven and to You: The only true place of contentment, peace, joy, and rest. 

Markers of Time

“Those twelve stones which they had taken from the Jordan, Joshua set up at Gilgal.  He said to the sons of Israel, ‘When your children ask their fathers in time to come, saying, “What are these stones?” then you shall inform your children, saying, “Israel crossed this Jordan on dry ground,” For the LORD your God dried up the waters of the Jordan before you until you had crossed, just as the LORD your God had done to the Red Sea, which He dried up before us until we had crossed; that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the LORD is mighty, so that you may fear the LORD your God forever.’”  (Joshua 4:20-24)
 

Two years ago marked the 30-year reunion of the 1981 National Championship at Clemson.  I remember that time so vividly.  We were headed to Miami to play in the Orange Bowl for the National Title.  I remember how the reporters talked all week about “the powerhouse.” The University of Nebraska and their proven coach, Tom Osborne, were there to play Clemson.  Clemson who?  From where? 

Danny was a young coach, only 31 years old.   I was 30.  Our team, which was much smaller in size than the Nebraska team, had gone down two weeks earlier to become conditioned to the warmer weather.  It was still middle of winter in South Carolina.  At that time we had two little girls and a baby.  Trying to pack for those weather conditions was quite a chore.  Then having to deal with things that didn’t go right, such the kids’ suitcase with all their clothes (and some of mine) being lost.  I think I kept a headache that whole week.  But I kept telling Danny, “If we win, this will be worth it.” 

It happened.  We won!   Since we had also gone undefeated that season, we were voted National Champions.  One thing my husband could instill in a player was how to play with his heart.  He developed a player’s talent and work ethic to make a winning player.  He had his team’s respect and they gave ll0% of themselves to him.  Yet as wonderful a win as it was, with all the honors that go along with that kind of success, somehow, I couldn’t let myself really enjoy this blessing of God to us, or my husband’s gift to our family.  Something was wrong in my heart, and even the win couldn't fix it.

It was several years later, around 1989 when I met with a relative of my pastor.  (My pastor and his wife knew that I had been struggling and had been very supportive of our family.) I sat with this lady for about an hour, telling her how hard I had tried to be the best Christian, best wife, and best mother I could be.  But it wasn’t enough.  I still felt miserable.  She said, “Deborah, I think you have sin in your heart:  resentment, bitterness, and anger.  For what seemed like an eternity, I sat there looking at her.  I thought to myself, She hasn’t heard a word I have said.

After stewing for a while, the Spirit began to work in my heart.  I saw that this woman’s thinking about me was right.  There was resentment and bitterness and anger in my heart.  When I confessed my sin, I was cleansed.  I felt filled with love and joy.

This brought me into a new way of thinking about the gospel.  This was the beginning of me realizing that I need the gospel (repentance and faith) every day.  It wasn’t just for that one moment in time when I first became a Christian.  This was a major step in learning to enjoy love and intimacy with Jesus and the Father through the Spirit.  I was being set free.

First, God had been faithful to show me that the blessings of great success could not compensate for not having a right heart with Him.  But He was also faithful to identify the sin areas in my heart which needed my confession, and then give me the heart change of repentance and His forgiveness.  

Those are only two markers of time in which I recognize God’s faithfulness.  There are many more, but I will never forget what God did through these two markers in my life.  I have told these stories many times over the years.  Sometimes when I have been struggling again to believe. Sometimes when God has not seemed near and I was feeling depressed, in a dry and barren place.  Other times just in reminiscing with God, thanking Him for how He has used all things in my life for my good and His glory.  Many times during worship I remind myself of God’s past work in my life.  I reflect.  I remember.  And I tell these stories of “markers of time.”

God uses our stories of His faithfulness to increase and strengthen faith within us, and in others.  It reminds us of the hope we have in Him for the present and the future.  For me, I feel strengthened physically, and I feel my joy restored.  I can once again rest at His feet.  I return to His embrace.  I am surrounded in His love.  I return to walk in His presence in love by faith.  I begin again to remember the promises, and that they are for me.  It gives Him glory.  This is why I remember.  This is why I write.

The most important marker in time is the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ.  That is the gospel.  He felt the pain and paid the price for our sins, guilt, and shame, so that we might have a personal relationship with Him, with the Father and with the Spirit.

Christ incarnated.  He lived the life I could not live, and then gave it to me in the gift of His righteousness.  He, God in person, can now sympathize with our sufferings and our temptations, because He knows what it is to be fully man.  Now I can come boldly to the throne of grace with confidence and love and affection for Him who delights in me, and who enjoys being with me.  He’s the one who loves me no matter how much I fail.  I can come to the Father who sees no sin when He sees me.  I can rest, mind, body, and soul, in His loving affection for me.  I can return to that unspeakable joy, and the peace that passes all understanding.  I enjoy eternity with Him, beginning now.

Thank You, God, that You are not some deity who is distant and far off, to be worshiped only on Sunday or Christmas or Easter.  Thank You that we can know You, Father, Jesus Christ, and Holy Spirit.  That You are a God who cares. One who has been brought near and who longs to be the lover of my soul.  That You desire to be first in my life, and for me to take confidence in Your love so that I exist in that love every moment of every day, and I can give it away. 

To Him who is worthy of all our worship and praise.

Sharing a devotion from Whispers of God: 

A Greater Glory

"For there is a time and a way for everything, although man's trouble lies heavy on him." (Ecclesiastes 8:6)

Do you ever fight time, trying to do something or get somewhere, only to find that your stress wasn't necessary? Others don't have their part of the project ready, or the person or appointment or purchase you were rushing to make has been delayed. I have. Just this week ...

Amazingly, Jesus never rushed. Thronging people-traffic didn't make Him raise His voice, push others aside, or clench His fist. In fact, He was so keenly sensitive to individuals in the crowd, He once stopped and asked His disciples, "Who touched Me?"

Can you imagine Jesus' heart, on hearing about His beloved cousin, John the Baptist--the "greatest man born of women"--wasting away in prison, being troubled by doubts? He must have longed to go to him. Yet, in the Father's perfect timing, John would not see His face. Only Jesus' words sent to him would serve as the comfort needed to face his martyrdom.

And then when Jesus' intimate friend, Lazarus, lay deathly ill, because He wanted to follow His Father's timing, Jesus delayed going to his bedside. Mary and Martha feeling shocked that the One who had cleansed lepers, and fashioned spit moistened clay into eyes for a blind man, did not hurry to them. But the Father's timing was working towards a greater story--a greater glory.

Dear Whispers Friend, if you are rushing through life, beaten up by deadlines, crushed by the crowds, or feeling that Jesus isn't going to come through in time to belay the pain or disease or even death, remember that your Heavenly Father is the One who has said that He does all things well. You can still trust His Warrior heart for you. He is still your "He Touched me" in the busy crowd. His timing delay does not mean your faith is betrayed. It means your Father has a greater story, and a greater glory planned for His beloved child--you.
 
     -- martha langley

Everlasting Love

Healing Balm

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”   (Psalms 147:3)

I was thinking about my first days in Junior High School. You know how nervous you can be about going to a new school for the first time? Especially when you are the youngest. It was magnified because I was walking with crutches and a cast on my left knee.

Still, at that age, one of my most favorite things to do was ride my bike. I loved to ride as hard as I could. Find a pile of rocks, put on my brakes and skid. That is what I had done, when I was injured, but had lost control. I fell on the rocks tearing my knee in three places. Twenty-one stitches later I had a cast from above my knee to below preventing me from bending it. Even worse, breaking open the stitches.     

Doctor visits after the cast came off were sheer pain. As he changed the dressing, he would pull away gauze which had grown into the wound. It reopened the area that was trying to heal, making the wound deeper.  Finally my dad said, “No more.” He then bought new gauze from the drugstore coated with cellophane. My knee healed in no time flat.  I think seeing what the doctor was doing to me hurt my dad more than it hurt me.

The Christian life is made up of walking, running and falling. Our Heavenly Father never lets us get beyond His reach, but He does let us fall. He will even withdraw the sense of His presence (although He never really leaves us) as we surrender, fall, and try again to make it work. Feeling like there is a part of us taken each time we return.  

We try to put ourselves back together.  Patch it over, thinking we are all healed. When indeed, as we try again to make our circumstances work apart from Him, the wound gets even deeper and even more painful.  Remembering in our pain, the peace, joy, and rest we used to have with our Father. 

 

As the wound has deepened, so does our love for the Father.  We begin to grasp His tender love for us that has felt more of the pain than we have. Even though scars may remain they serve as a reminder of where we have been. The pain.  His scars He bears for you. He promises deep healing from the inside out. More of Him occupies our broken heart than before. There is more peace and joy and rest than we remembered.

You know, my dad never tired of taking care of me. If anything he was more relentless as time went on.  His desire and passion was for my healing.  How much more is our heavenly Father’s desire. He never tires of taking us back, healing and restoring us. His heavenly embrace awaits us.

I will praise You, O Lord, among the nations

I will sing of You among the peoples

For great is Your love, reaching to the heavens

Your faithfulness reaches to the skies

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens

Let Your glory be over the earth.  (Psalms 57:9-11)

The Interview Part 5

Many of you know I did not know when I would continue this story.   Because of some of the overwhelming pain of part of it, like the death of our son.  I did not realize, but for these 41 years I had hardly shed a tear.  That is not the case now.  I cried profusely this week.  I have given our son a name and his name is Anderson.  My maiden name.  Somehow this made him a real person to me.  Everyone needs the dignity of a name. Through your prayers God has met me and comforted and strengthen me in my grief.  More than anything I want Him to be glorified in His story in my life so I press on.   I want to encourage you if you have lost a stillborn child, had a miscarriage or abortion, name that child.  It will help you grieve the loss.

If you had a hard time reading the last post you might want to consider skipping this one and wait til the conclusion is written.  It is not my intention to upset or hurt anyone through sharing these difficulties, nor that you would be shocked.  But that you would see and be stunned at the faithfulness and power of our God to an unfaithful woman.  I have felt these last few days a battle going on to keep me from finishing writing.  You prayed and I am well and this story will go forth by the grace of God.

I have wondered in thinking about the National Championship week if I had know we were going to win would things have been easier and more fun.  With that in mind I want to tell you the end of the story now.  God is in control.  God is good.  God wins!  See if this will help you sit back and rest in that when you read that there seems to be no way.

Jim Blessing and his wife had run the farm and lived here.  They were ready to transition to a less demanding place in there life.  We were all packed in.  Our things were still stored in the barn.  By now things had begin to ruin with time, dirt, weather and rodents.  I never thought I was a materialistic person but one day I looked out and saw my table and chairs that I had grown up with flat to the ground.  I began to cry.  Somehow this rubbish represented my life to me.  It was a picture of what was left.  It had to happen.  It all had to go, my self reliance, self righteousness, bitterness, anger.  Not that I don't still struggle with the sins of my heart but for the first time in my life I was broken.  I just didn't know what to do with that brokenness.  So again, I escaped into my mind of another world.

In many ways the next 16 years are a blur.  Lee worked at Poag Reids, a veterinarian, learning to take care of horses, train, rope and everything that went along with it.  Elizabeth during this time would go to Clemson and finish.  Ashleigh got married.  Jennifer and Jordan moved to Columbia where she was in sales at Fox News.  Danny spent his time caring for the farm and cattle, speaking at clinics and other special events and investments.  It seemed there was always somewhere to be and something to do.  It was a good thing.  He was trying to find his place I am sure.

I would spend more and more time in the shadows of my mind.  I remember my good friend, who I hardly knew at the time coming and making lunch for us.  I think my paranoia and psychosis scared her to death, even though she didn't show it.  I would ask my friends to come pray with me and walk with me to help get me out of the bed.  By this time I was sedated but it was not helping me.  I spent the next years in and out of a mental state that seemed uncontrollable.  Did you see the movie the beautiful mind?  I could relate to that movie and its actor so much.  There were people in my life that weren't there.  There were messages over the tv to me.  Codes to me in books and newspapers and computer.  Signs that seem to be pointing to me.  Most of the time I was in another world, in a daze.  I remember thinking someone had planted some devise in my head and if I went to sleep it would go off and kill me.  I called the police.  Danny explain to the officer my condition, he left, Danny I am sure afraid and frustrated and me with the fear of my life.  That if I shut my eyes I would surly die.

The stigma and embarrassment of the illness only made it worse.  I was known as a speaker and teacher of the bible and faith.  I was returning home to friends mentally ill.  I would go to church and imagine who might know and who didn't and what they could be saying.  I decided the only thing to do was to come out of the closet and we did.  I did have times of remission.  I got involved with the National Alliance of the Mentally Ill.  Danny did fund raiser golf tournaments for them.  I got educated and did so to others.  I led support groups and spoke to police officials and medical position faculty on how to come to the aid of the mi.  I spoke at FCA and churches.  But the voices of my mind would return with devastation.

I had two attempts of suicide because of these voices and what they would tell me to do.  I know it is hard to believe something so unreal could appear to be so real.  All I can tell you it does.  My first attempt was in the middle of the morning.  About 3 am. I got in my daughters car.  I drove half way down the road in front of our house thinking people were chasing me to kill me.  Then I thought I heard a shot and someone say, they just killed Lee.  With tears streaming down my face I drove the car as fast as I could.  The voices directed me to wreck the car.  That my family would be better off without me.  These voices could say good things one minute and then turn on you the next.  There was no rhyme or reason.  Nothing happened but 2 flat tires.  I then headed to the interstate.  I have no idea how far  I drove or for how long.  I just know the sun begin to rise. All I could do was say the gospel over and over again.  It was like I was on a radio with a loud speaker.   I remember at one point pulling off the side of the road and a man coming up to the car window.  I drove off as fast as I could.  I then headed to the police station.  I told them Lee is dead.  Someone has shot him.  They went to the house to check out my story and then off to the hospital I would go yet another time.  God had rescued me and would many other times.

The second attempt...It was about 6 a.m.  I had not slept for days on end.  I had eaten very little.  Danny was asleep on the sofa.  By now my family, especially Danny, never knew when He would awaken and I would be gone.  So was this morning.  It was breaking Danny.  I could see the hurt in his eyes.  It seemed the harder I tried to be well the sicker I got.  This morning was no exception.  I came off the back porch where I had spent the night in a court of law to see whether I was guilty or not, in my mind.  I walked past Danny.  Got in my car.  Fastened my seat belt and bended the curve outside our house on the farm.  It was as if someone said now.  Then when I did nothing, I thought I felt someone press my foot to the floor board.  With as much speed as could build, I drove into the woods.  I was stopped by a tree only yards from a house. What if I had hurt or killed someone?   I was not dead.  I was told if you kill yourself it will save your family.  I had to crawl out the window.  I said on no what am I going to do now.  I went into the middle of the road and stood.  The cars swerved around me yelling and curing at me to get out of the road.  I know they were beyond scared.  What if they had hit me, I can now imagine their thoughts.  At that time I felt a hand on my shoulder.  I turned around and this quiet, gentle voice of a black man said come with me.  It is going to be ok.  I walked out of the road and the ambulance had arrived.  As I climbed in the back of the ambulance I looked around to see the man.  He was no where to be found.  All I know is God sent me an angel that day and he saved my life.  I saw Danny's face beyond any look I have seen on his face.  The police arrived and off to the mental hospital again.  God had rescued me again.  Why had I put my seat belt on that day?  An the gentle man guiding me to safety.

It was to become a familiar place for me, the hospital.  I remember going outside with the other smokers and singing gospel hymns.  Taking a run around the court yard.  Danny and Jennifer could come and visit and bring what I needed.  Elizabeth had met me at the emergency room.  She was so hurt over my state of being.  I think the pain of it to Lee was more than he could bare.  Ashleigh was in Texas and would come once and stay two weeks to keep me from going into the hospital yet the 4th time.

There were many other circumstances my family had to deal with.  God showed up at every turn.  Sometimes I would not bathe for days.  I would hardly speak for days at a time.  I began to form my own isolation much of the time.  I had to control my world and it got smaller and smaller.  I was fearful to leave the house for more than an hour at best.  Jennifer got educated and read all she could.  She got some of my friends, a counselor, my doctor for a support system for me to try to recognize symptoms before they escalated.  It seemed to be working.  I even got to where I could recognize these on my own.  I was seeing more and more remission time but then only to relapse again and we would once again all lose heart only for Christ to bring back hope.  That it was in Him.

My friends took an active part in working toward remission with me, praying, visiting, going to lunch, coming and working in my house when I wouldn't come out of my room.  My friend Susan K and I began to meet once a week.  She became a huge encouragement for me.  She knows scripture so well. We would encourage each other and talk about what God was teaching us and our struggles.

I want you to see how God rescued me over and over.  But you know what?  I have a friend whose son did not survive his wreck.  So is God still good and faithful and in control when that happens?  A RESOUNDING YES!  ABSOLUTELY!

 I had been in a sound theological church now for almost 30 years off and on.    My pastor Tim Lane and his wife Barbara had befriended our whole family during this time. Elizabeth would baby sit for them and Barbara would spend time with the girls Jennifer, Ashleigh and Jordan.  I remember Barbara coming over one summer afternoon and we cut okra out of the garden and then she swam with the kids.  It was so fun for me and them.  God always seem to send just who my family needed when they needed them.  I sure was not there for them.  Tim brought the idea of christian counseling to our church.  He preached the gospel.  He later went as director of Christian Counseling Education Foundation in Philadelphia.  I knew the words of the gospel, but I still had not heard the music.  It had not reach my heart. But I was seeing Gods faithfulness to me over and over again.   I was just as discontent as ever.  My life still was not going as I had planned so the only thing I knew to do was to run.  Run into isolation and away from the world around me. My then mentor Dave McCartney recommend I begin writing a prayer letter to a group of close friends.

There was the death of Mrs. Ford and my parents.  God was grow out family though  during this time.  Ashleigh had 2 handsome sons and a vibrant little girl.  They spent lots of time with us during the summers and they kept me well and delighted.  But I still couldn't fix my life and find happiness and it was killing me and I was taking my family with me. I had prayed Lord whatever it takes for my children to know and depend on you, do it.  I just ask one thing, don't leave us. He was doing the same for me.  During these years the pain my family has gone through, I cannot face apart from the love and sovereignty of God for them.  This past year, finally I began to change.  Something was different.  God was going to bring joy out of mourning and beauty out of ashes.

Thanks for reading.  I know this is long and intense.  If you know someone who might be struggling to trust God in the hard places of their life would you please pass this on or give them the blog address.  I will conclude hopefully tomorrow.  Blessings friends.

Which is Greater, Faith, Hope or Love?

Which is greater, Faith, Hope, Love?

I remember when I was a little girl, I had a dog. Boy, I was crazy about that dog. He got sick, very sick. I don't think we ever took our dogs to a vet. Maybe there weren't any or we didn't have the money. People just didn't do it then.

My dad told me he was going to have to shoot my dog to keep her from suffering. I trusted my dad and what he was saying. I knew my dog had to die. I remember getting on my bike and I began to ride away as fast and as hard as I could with tears. I heard the shot and I stopped. I cried for awhile and I turned my bike around and I went home. Dad had buried my dog.

Unless God show us our self centeredness and what He did in sending His Son for us, we are utterly unable to love another person for them and not for ourselves.

There is no greater love than this, that you lay down your life for one another. Jesus gave His life to save us. Are we willing to give our life to save another person. By that I mean are we willing to be vulnerable to pain, rejection and sin in order to open our hearts to another person?

My mom told me that day my dad had to shoot my dog. Deborah you have to decide something in your life. Is it better to have loved and lost or never to have loved at all. We are to present our bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and blameless as a praise and worship to our God? When we give of ourselves to love another person...I am speaking of all kinds not just romantic love but brotherly love, a parents love, when we are loving them for them and not for what it can do for us, God says this is the worship that pleases Him. We can go on Sunday morning or in our daily lives and raise our hands and listen to our music to God, but what God wants as worship is our hearts. When we receive His unconditional love for us and know what He did on the cross for us, first we are able to love God in a sacrificial way but then we are also willing to lose our life for another person in order to give them the love of God through us.

If I had really loved my dog, I wouldn't have left him that day. He was fixing to die. All I could think of was me, my loss, my pain and what was I going to do without him. My dog loved me, as far as a dog can. I know he wanted me with him in his death and I wasn't. I wasn't willing to sacrifice myself for the dog that I loved.

God is love. Christ is our example and our power by His Spirit and His grace for us to love another person with the love God so beautifully and sacrificially loves us with. Christ is besotted with us, in love with, swept off His feet by, love sick for. He has waited so long for us friends. Will we die for Him? Will we worship Him with everything in us? Will we lay it all down for the sake of Christ? Will we learn to die for another person, not only for Jesus to give us life but for us to impart life, through Him, to another person?  Faith, Hope and Love but the greatest of these is love.