No one just plans to have a bad day.

No one wakes up and says I believe I will have a bad day!


Meeting with my sisters in Christ and sharing my heart was a place to start to get out of the pit.  Depression was the enemy that had blinded me.  I did not just decide to fall into this darkness.  It came behind me and I was blinded by the many unusual circumstances.

Seeing my friends whom I had not visited with for awhile was like getting a cool drink from my aunts well years ago.

How we kept laughing in the midst of elderly parents, divorces, hospital, depression, family issues, kids problems, jobs lost, found. The list goes on and on but our burdens were shared.  Our load was lighter.  When you have relationships you can talk though it is like you saw each other just yesterday even if it was weeks ago.

That morning, visiting with my husband, it hit me that my depression, med issues was hurting my family.  That no matter how difficult it was...no matter how hard the pull I had to get up out of my bed.

I had not planned the depression.  No one just says I believe I will just fall into a dark depression.  As a matter of fact I didn't even know that was a problem for me.  I had enjoyed family.  But my activity had gotten less and less.  A new med was given to me 6 months ago.  I had blamed the sleeping on it.  It did start that way.

Depression was not new to me.  I knew how to battle it and how God would walk with me through it. I could do it now.  My heart broke over it all.   I wasn't assured it would go away but my life would improve and my family would be assured that I was better.

I told my friend I didn't want to end up in a nursing home.  My other friend said yes I have heard people say I don't want to be out of my mind and cursing.  My friend said if I do I just do. LOL You see we have the righteousness of Christ.  Oh to know that freedom and love of God.  Even if I cannot move for weeks He loves me still and He is good.  The brokenness I went through during this time was like loosing good friends.  Sometimes it is just too hard and you have to know when it is time just to give it up.  I had to surrender to Gods plan for my life.  It was for Him to be enough to go through the pain of getting on with my life.  It had been so silent I hadn't noticed my pride and selfishness.

Have you been in an ocean and the waves knock you to and fro.  God stripped me of things I had wrestled with for years and redirected me and I was amazed.  It was very painful but He was with me.  I was not assured the depression would leave me but I knew God was present with me through it all.

Silence hurts, rejection hurts, others sin hurts, your own sin hurts others.  So Jesus, more and more I can identify with your pain and today joy.  Jesus is more than enough.  Take captive your thoughts and through His presence settle where He would have you.  I can say at this time I know what it is to give Jesus my whole love and heart.  Until next time we go through surrender to His plan, knowing He is oh so good.

Why had I not seem the symptoms.  Isolation, change of eating, no energy.  I would go back to my Jesus.  Get busy and fight the pull with the power of the cross.  Not just once today but over and over. The wall would be broken and fall down each day as it got easier and easier. Gratitude would swallow up the darkness.  Love would come from within.  The determination and fight would be mine in Him.   I would need help. Draw from Christ.  Others were by my side.  Six months was a long time to break through but with Christ with me life would come.

So if I want to know God more than I did before this whole process...If I want to worship Him...Make Him known to the world around me...Give hope to the faint hearted...May God be praised and glorified just a little bit more from this beggar who adores Him.  It is about my God and His beauty and glory that will not be defeated.

This one makes me forget I am having a bad day.  Just try lol.

LOVE DOES NOT FAIL

As this valentines closes I decided to repost John Lynch New Testament Gamble as one of my favorites.

the new testament gamble by john lynch

What if I tell them who they are?

What if I take away any element of fear, condemnation, judgment or rejection?

What if I tell them that I love them and I’ll always love them and I love them right now, no matter what they’ve done, as much as I love my only son?

What if I told them that there’s nothing they can do to make my love go away?

What if I told them that there are no lists?

What if I told them that they were righteous with my righteousness right now?

What if I told them they could stop being so formal and jumpy and stiff around me?

What if I told them that I was absolutely crazy about them?

What if I told them that even if they ran to the ends of the earth and did the most unthinkable horrible things, when they came back I’d receive them with tears and a party?

What if I told them that I don’t keep a log of past offenses, of how little they pray, how often they’ve let me down, or made promises they don’t keep?

What if I told them that they don’t have to be owned by men’s religions, traditions or additions?

What if I told them I’m their Savior, they’re going to heaven no matter what, it’s a done deal?

What if I told them that they had a new nature; that they were saints not just saved sinners who should now buck up and be better if your any kind of Christian after all He’s done for you?

What if I told them I actually live in them now; that I put my love and power and nature inside them at their disposal?

What if I told them that they didn’t have to put on a mask, that it was really OK to be exactly who they are at this moment with all their junk, and not have to pretend about how close we are, how much they pray or don’t, how much Bible they read or don’t?

What if they didn’t have to look over their shoulder for fear if things got too good the other shoe was going to drop?

What if they knew that I would never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, use the word punish in relation to them?

What if they knew when they mess up I never get back at them?

What if they were convinced the bad circumstances are not my way of evening the score for taking advantage of me?

What if they knew the basis of our friendship was not on how little they sin but on how much they let me love them?

What if they had permission to stop trying to impress me in any way?

What if told them that they could hurt my heart but I would never hurt theirs?

What if I told them that they could open their eyes when they pray and still they will go to heaven?

What if I told them there was no secret agenda, no trap door?

What if I told them it wasn’t about their self effort but allowing me to live my life through them?

What if they actually believed that??!!

That’s the New Testament gamble and it’s being lived out in you and me right now.

As I sit back and reflect the love of my husband and family over this lifetime...it is so vast what the Father has taught me about His love for me through Christ.

For so long I looked to my husband to meet my needs and to give me my worth and validate me.  I looked to Him to make me happy.  To say that I was right.  I looked to Him to make my world worth living when only Jesus could do that for me.  He is what filled the void in my heart.  My husband could not be my god.  He could not fill me and make me whole and heal my brokenness that we all have from a fallen world.

Now if something is wrong with my peace and joy I don't look to my husband to make me happy but look to Jesus and my relationship with Him.  Knowing He loves me just as I am.  That my loneliness is through His presence and acceptance and love that can never fade.  I look in and not out to a world to give me only what Christ can.  Himself.   The Love that will never leave me nor let me go even when I sleep or struggle or fail.  He meets me in my fears and unbeliefs.  He gives me my prayers even before they are on my lips.  He is...My first Love!

When my worship to God is my heart as first in my life, then my love will be overflowing to the world around me.  God is love, living in me.  He is the very Spirits gift that keeps giving.  Love that is never quenched.  He uncovers a love that keeps being poured out that is His love undone.  It is the love showered from the Trinity that keeps on and on and on.  It is Christ in me and His love that just can't be stopped.  It is the kiss from the Father to the Son in us.  It is the love that pours out of a repentant broken heart touched by God's Love that made it worth it all to Him.

That is the "Love" that never fails.  The love of Jesus poured out at the cross and then throughout eternity in such sincerity and humidity that cost Him it all.  Only then, by a broken heart surrendered to its Savior can it taste the honey that can free us and those we love.  It is the very heart of God.  It, He, never fails.

Seeing with His Eyes

The holidays have melted into honors for my husband and a big victory for the University and coach Dabo. 

Life went on as usual.  Preparing for the cold to come and the grands to show their happy faces.  Food to be bought, cooked and enjoyed and cleaning that lasted seems for days.

I was surprised at the energy I had and was so thankful.  Really without much thought just loving being with everybody.  It took everyone full time to keep up with the daily activities and fun.

As time drew near too soon, everyone returned to home and work.  I was so sadden at everyone leaving.  I went down in the bed not to get up but to eat and try to get the Christmas decorations with the help of family and friends.

I didn't even realize that the depression had crept in and weighted me down but it had.  

It was shadowed by the honors and awards that showered my husband and me not being able to keep up with the demands of the wonderful recognition to him.  It was history repeating itself with the winning of the Championship of the University.

We sat with the dr explaining my good points as well as my struggles.  He said I was better than I had been in years.  As we returned home I got even more sad wondering why my strength was gone.

Time with the Lord brought things to a better light how God had used my struggles in ways to free me and bring about good things in my life I could not manage or do on my own.  

Joy! came over me as I saw Gods goodness and blessings and promises present and evident.  That the Father loved me deeply and was proud of me that His grace had brought me through one more holiday with those I love.  That friends and family showed His mercy in greater ways even.

I have a new strength and love than even before.  Seeing life through the eyes of Jesus is a gift.  Feeling secure and blessed by the work and victory you do is wonderful.  But knowing the redemptive work of God and man in this life we live is a blessing in itself.  How do I question Gods plan but rejoice!

The rest of my life may not be in the limelight or as significant as it has been to this point of my life.  But I know my purpose and plan  that is written on my heart... to love God with my whole heart and others.  When I fall the Spirit reminds me I am His and dearly loved.  That I am righteous.  It is the rock on which I stand.  It is none other that the love of Jesus in which I love.  It is not to be famous but to overflow with the love of His.  Even when I fail He never does.

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. The second most important is similar: ‘Love your neighbor as much as you love yourself.’ All the other commandments and all the demands of the prophets stem from these two laws and are fulfilled if you obey ”